


Darkness of the light

by maybereadmaybewrite



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fix-It, Romance, Slow Build, child character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:22:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25206178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybereadmaybewrite/pseuds/maybereadmaybewrite
Summary: When you make one willful mistake and everything in your life, every happiness, every light, cover in always present darkness, can you take it back?
Relationships: Scott Moir & Tessa Virtue, Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue
Comments: 80
Kudos: 75





	1. Hey Kate

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I passed my exams and this is what kept me from updating my fics! I just got these idea and couldn't shake it off. I had to keep writting! This is just a short chapter for the start and I hope you will love it as much as I do. I just can't stop.
> 
> Enjoy!

Scott is not visiting his born city often. Or, mostly not at all. Since his career came to an end and his life turned upside down shortly after that, he couldn’t.

When Tessa disappeared and all she left behind was her skating bag, he was fooling around from nothing to nowhere, trying to find himself below a ballast of VirtueMoir, … It took time but every good thing does. Eventually, he found a lovely girlfriend he learnt to love, bought a house as anyone expected, set himself deep into charity work, and here and there, rarely, take a motivational talk for a group of young skaters. Never on the ice. 

His life was almost perfect. Almost. Sometimes he wished. But it was not within his powers. He didn’t know why Tessa run away and never said Goodbye, but he tried everything. He could either dwell or live. And selfishly, he chose the later. Still, his actions were calculated. His manager made sure no one ask of her during his engagements, he learnt a few phrases to alternate in between when someone did anyway, he kept himself strictly off the ice, despite his girlfriend helped out at the rink with costumes and every so often attended a competitions to help small girls with their makeup and hair. He never went with her or picked her up, but she somehow understood. She even tried to contact Tessa herself, didn’t told him until he found out, but she disappeared. Truly, fully, disappeared. Eventually, he comes to respect that. As everything she’s ever done. Sometimes he cries at night, though. On special dates. Special competitions. Her birthday. Or that certain time, his birthday. 

That day, he woke up with a memory from his 18th birthdays, when she tried to bake a cake for him. It wasn’t fair to Nina that he cried, it was none of their anniversaries, this time it was his birthday, and so before she could find out, he went for a run. _A run he didn’t come back from._

Drunk driver hit him on the calm road between the fields behind the city. Medical reports says it took about half an hour till someone found him and till then, he lost consciousness. 

He lost a lot of blood, ends up with serious concussion, countless broken bones, poor chance for successful healing and as a bonus, completely lost fertility. For first few days, they wasn’t sure whether he will survive, then whether he will fight. He wasn’t sure himself. Laying there with his outlooks, watching movies someone else turned on for him days and nights, however, made him reconsider all his life choices. 

Instead of giving Nina a ring he already bought for her, he broke things off. Firstly, they were trying for a baby which no longer was an option with him and she deserved just that, and secondary, he no longer do things others expect. Both she and his family thought he’s pain speaking, but he meant it. Now, two years later, when she is about to give a birth to her first child, he knows he did right. 

It took 5 months till he fully walked again and another 7 till he skate on a respectable level. He earnt degrees in Kinesiology and Physiotherapy along with that. _Or at least It’s base._ When he could skate again, he got a coaching license and start working with three elite junior pairs. Not more, albeit there were generous offers from various senior teams, instead, he continues pursuing his master degrees. 

He sold his house and bought nice apartment in modern quarter of Toronto. It’s not house, but he comes to conclusion he doesn’t need that. Instead, It’s top floor, with amazing view and large terrace. His brothers like to tease him it’s elitish, but he couldn’t give a fuck. He contemplated opening his own school but decided otherwise. When Brian Orser offered him an independent position under his school with a possibility to build larger ice dance team once he’s ready, there were no questions left. He hates paperwork anyway. Instead, he used the money to buy arguably luxury _but small!_ cottage in Whistler. _(Another thing his brothers like to laugh at, but interestingly more than happily borrow.)_ He doesn’t dare to ski or god know, snowboarding, he’s happy he can skate again and run, but the atmosphere around is nice, and for a fan of winter sports in general, there is a large possibility of elite sport events. Mostly, though, he just likes to relax there. 

What Tessa does, he has no idea, despite he is in close contact with all the Virtues again. Before the accident, since she disappeared, they stayed in polite manners. Send each other birthday and Christmas wishes, but mostly pretended there is nothing close to 20 years history. When the accident happen, though, every other day someone from the family sit by his bed. When he first saw Kevin, he thought he’s hallucinating. Through the weeks, however, he become permanent guest by his side, referring him hockey and NBA news. Since Tessa never showed up, wrote a simple message or even send a word though her family, he gave up. It was hard to accept that she doesn’t care even as much, but it came with closure. When he came back from rehabilitation, though, he made sure he stay in contact with the rest of the family. Leaving and never coming back in any capacity, it was her choice, losing people who grew to be his family would be his. They never speak about her and he never asks. At first it was awkward, but it settled somewhere before he left hospital. 

He know they tried to make her come, he heard his mother speaking with Kate as much when they thought he’s asleep, Jordan apologized she’s not able to, and that was it. They eventually stopped having sorry faces and he eventually stopped care. _Which is a lie, but he had nothing but present anyway._

He know he did not give his family back what they deserve. They visit him in Toronto far more often than he goes to Ilderton and old Scott would feel bad. His current self, though, knows it’s what he had to do. He decided to medialize his recovery process on social media to have a control over the gossips and maybe motivate someone along the way, but he couldn’t stay in the city where everyone watch him with pity and whisper about payback of success or human tragedy and his forever screw up life under the billboards of him and Tessa, who they mostly never fail to brought up, no one saw, without a reasonable volume by his side, as if he lost a hearing too. Besides that, both London and Ilderton was too tightly tied with his past to start a new life. 

Since his father started having struggles with activities around the house and is waiting for a total knee replacement, however, he started coming home more often. That’s how he found himself in the middle of Christmas mess first Advent Sunday. If he says he hate it, it’s goddamn underestimating. His mother, though, send him to pick her coat from the laundry and also pick half dozens of things from as many places all over the city. _Or as many cities, that’s how he feels._ He shouldn’t be complaining, but he does anyway. _At least so far only one person stopped him to remind how lucky he is he can walk._

He’s running from one side of the square hosting some kind of Christmas fair to another the fastest possible with clear goal, when he sees a little girl curled on her knees on the ground, crying with closed eyes. With a mass of people around, no one seem to belong to her, or even see her. One men almost tripped over her but continued in walking. With a anger on his lungs, he turns on his heels and goes after her. 

“Hi.” He says gently as he kneels down and blocked her from the crowd. “What’s your name?”

The girl whispers something starting on P which he can’t grasp but compliment the name anyway. “For whom are we looking for?” He picked her up as another stupid person almost knocked them over. He tries to tickle her ribs to break the ice and make her cooperate, doesn’t think it has any affect over her huge winter coat, but she looks up anyway. As he sees her face, he stops mid breath. He’d swear…..

“G Kate.” She whispers. _Seriously, he needs to stop postponing his appointments and reaches out for his therapist. He's starting to seeing things._

“How is that pretty name of yours again?” 

“Pat Virtue.” She stops sobbing. In that moment, one would not find a blood in his veins … 

“Is this your grandma?” Scott fishes out a picture of Kate from his mother’s birthdays last month. The little one nods, and he swears she studies him. 

“Hey Kate.” He takes a deep breath as he dials a number. “Guess I am holding Tessa’s child.”

If he needed any confirmation after the girl said she’s four and shows three fingers out to him, Kate’s face have it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to let know your thoughts! I thought I will keep it for myself for a bit but I just need to know your reaction! 
> 
> Kudos ❤


	2. Daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did it happen it’s 13 days since the first chapter? 😳 I was literally waiting to post to not post too soon, and yet ... guess I got lost in time. 😅
> 
> Enjoy! 🙏🏻

“You what?!” Tessa runs cold. Initially because her mother lost her daughter, but only then she was stabbed right into her chest.

She imagined this might happen. Imagined it a lot, actually. At first, she imagined coming back, him in tears, but with forgiving arms. As the time went on, the image became colder and eventually she knew her time passed. Sometime, usually when she was particularly tired, she allowed herself to dream, but that was it. The dreams became all she had, and she eventually came to terms with that. 

When Pat turned two, she knew that’s it. She’s not coming back. She knew it for a while, but that was the point. The point with no turning back. But then she turned three and she faced the decision she yet failed to consider. Through the years, she found an international, English speaking group, some members of which run a family club, bunch of friends outside and a solid base, but as her daughter grew, it was not enough. She was suddenly big enough to start with hobbies, curious, fearless girl, eager like her father, and she couldn’t hold her back. 

It was then she realized the language barrier she avoided for so long grew so big she can no longer fight it. She had to came back. Sure, the possibility of moving to Great Britain crossed her might, but she knew what was done was enough. She decided Pat will never meet her father, but she can’t take away everyone. She deserves to know her family.

It took several months for her to finally collect enough of courage to book tickets, pack their belongings and fly home. _Home._ Interestingly, it still felt like that.

They spent a first few months at their family cottage, but long time postponed heat system replacement _(her fault, frankly, she said she’s gonna pay for it but as she moved away, it all apparently went down with her)_ take it tolls out of blue, and the only possibility left for her was to move into her childhood home. _That or hotel._

At first, she dread the possibility of the encounter. Her mind was waking her up in her sleep. One time with the image of hurt in his eyes, then about her daughter running around, calling daddy. Another time it was the picture of him playing in the garden with his family, a boy around the age of Pat and a smaller girl, with his wife watching from apart, laughing at them, and yes. Once she dreamed that he’s walking away with Pat in his arms. But as the weeks passed, the images weaken, and she found a peace again. _Or something she could live with._

Until now. 

As she hears the story, her mind turns into screaming quiet. The quiet she, for the first time in her life, know she can’t shake. Quiet was always theirs. The build up to solving the issue. Hanging until one of them crack and starts to talk. Temporary station to their calm. Until now. There is nothing to say. Nothing enough. _And she knows._ Even if he forgive her, she could never. She can’t turn their daughter into an infant again. Can’t take him back to see her first smiles or first steps. She stole 3 and half year of her life away and there is no way back. 

Maybe he has his life, she is in fact pretty confident in that, but she knows well enough he cares. And if she wasn’t, a face of her mother says it all. 

Yet, she imagine thousands of ways of him finding out, never once walking away.

“Did he recognize her?” She asks more for a necessary confirmation. He’d have to turn blind meantime not to. 

“She looks like him more than you, Tess.” Kate states the obvious. She has her eyes, maybe nose, slightly, but otherwise she’s all his. Especially when she sleeps. 

“And he walked away?”

“And what was he supposed to do? He picked up a lost girl from the ground and faced his daughter.”

“I don’t know.” Tessa buries her hand into her hair. “Fuss I guess. Show up in here. Yell at me.”

“He’s not 15 anymore, Tessa.”

“Fair.” Besides, his temper never was so bad. It might took her a while to realize he’s never mad at her but himself when they hit their early teens, but even then it wasn’t as bad as he later used to present it. He always was too hard on himself once it was about her, expect this always certainly is not now. Now he can’t be hard enough. However, painting him as hot tempered is unfair. It was unfair I’m his teens and it certainly became later. “Still, not even a call?”

“Don’t forget he doesn’t even have your number anymore.”

“Well, he certainly has yours.” It comes out of her mouth as a remorse, but she can’t help it. “Does he even care?”

“Trust me, he does.”

That night, Pat asked whether daddy came home. 

* * *

The days go by with no contact. From one it turns to two, eventually it’s four and with a little bit of imagination she could almost pretend it was all just bad dream. She could, almost, wasn’t it for her daughter asking about daddy night and day.

When she decided making sure she knows her father at least through the distance, showing her his pictures, silly videos she for some reasons still carries in her phone (yes, even the new one), she never expected it will once backfire on her. What sounds like great idea in Germany, certainly resonates like otherwise in their hometown.

Once she almost called his number. Almost. Her finger was out there until it wasn’t. Sue her, but she can’t. Not even for her child.

Friday is her favorite day. Fridays are for swimming pool and brunch. It used to be her nightmare day. Very livid 3-year-old on the slippery surface constantly on the verge of troubles is not her to go for. Honestly, tracking Scott’s movements at 7 was easier than tracking his daughter at 33. It has to be something about the age, there’s no way she is worse. Shouldn’t she be mirroring her features as well? Never mind of what she said, now the distraction is welcomed. 

Expect it isn’t. 

She prepared herself for a lot, certainly not for her daughter turning a b-line in a split of second putting their bag away takes and the next thing she knows, she’s wrapped around her father’s legs, jumping excitedly up and down and demands to be lifted. _Scott._

In the moment their eye met, suddenly every single moment of past when she decided she’s never coming back yet again come together and make sense. Now she knows why. She was right. Expect for the pain in his eyes. That one is bigger.

“You came for me, daddy?” Pat puts them out of their silent trans, the one which threaten by tsunami, with her excited squeal. He decides he’s picking her up, but no word come. The confusion on his face would be evident to outsider.

“Yes, he came for you.” Tessa answers instead. His eyes trails from the girl in his arms back to her face. “Unless…”

“Um.” 

Tessa internally sighs. “Would you be ok staying here with daddy alone, bug? While mom run some errands?” She doesn’t have any errands but seeing him cradling Pat in his arms yet struggling for words in her presence make them. Not that she has a choice. It’s either that or him walking away. And that is certainly not choice of Pat, if his unshed tears are anything to go by, then neither his, and frankly, not even hers. If only for Pat’s sake.

“Do like slides?” Pat, oblivious of any tension in all her excitement, starts patting his chest in order to get an attention. 

“I do.” He says finally with small smile just for her. The same one which used to be Tessa’s, she notices. Pat squeals and he has to change his posture to steadies them both, as she’s wet and squirming.

“Mama doesn’t.” Patt grins. “Slides daddy?”

“Okay.” Tessa exhales. “She’s supposed to have a swimming lesson in 15 minutes, but you also can keep her, I guess. Then we are always having brunch. Bring her by 12 to mom’s place. Or anytime in between.”

“I’ll bring her at 12.” He answers, fake looking into her face. He used to do that, looking at her forehead instead, when he wanted to avoid a conversation. His eyes always let out more than he wanted to. She used to hate it, now she’s grateful. 

“Good. I’m gonna leave a key from her locker at the reception for you.”

He just nods, speaking to already impatient Pat instead about which slide they are going to try first. Naturally, she says green but means blue, picks the only two simple colors she’s messing up by now. “And Scott.” She gets his attention instead of dwelling how her innocent sweet little girl just inevitably painted her as terrible mother. Saying his name after so long caused a pause. “She has a coeliac disease. Like you. So you know, with food…”

As she walks away, she realizes that these eyes of the man she spent a lifetime with, she no longer knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your Kudos & Comments are everything to me. Thank you so much for your lovely reaction to the previous chapter! ❤️


	3. I came for you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa makes some decisions. Or Pat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware posting two times in such short time might not do me any favor in case I wanna this story to have succes, but hey! I was always different! 
> 
> Here you go! Enjoy.

“You purposely avoided him when he hand her over, though.” Jordan shrug. 

“I didn’t avoid him. I took over a lesson for a colleague in emergency.”

“You were in emergency yourself.” Jordan prods further. 

“Okay Jordan, what do you expect me to do.” Her sister is right. She did jump at the possibility to avoid the encounter while given without a thought. “Show up at the doorstep of his perfect house with white prickles, scratch his dog’s head and announce his wife who probably expect his second and half child I come to create a deal over a custody of our daughter?”

“He doesn’t have kids, Tessa. He’s not married nor have a girlfriend and when he is in the city, he’s staying at Alma and Joe’s.”

“Scott’s staying with his parents, eh?” She catches at the one information she’s able to process. Although, it might be the most unimaginable one. Moving out in their teens caused he didn’t take a mama care and everything around well. He deeply loves his parents, that never was a question, but he also loves his independence. It usually took half of second day for him to show up at her doorstep or text where they'll meet. Her favorite messages was those with a picture of his surroundings where she had to think where she’ll find him. It was like a game. He would give her indicia if it was too hard. But that might pass. As apparently everything. After all, she’s currently living with her mother as well.

“He’s staying at their basement. When he … never mind, it’s actually cool place.” They rebuild it when he couldn’t walk. “Anyway, he’s living in Toronto, but since Joe’s knee got worse, he’s showing up here more often to help.”

“Knee?”

“He’s scheduled for total knee replacement.”

“Oh.” A wave of guilt overcomes her. Since their parents’ divorce, Joe was there for her whenever her father wasn’t. Not knowing such significant information about his health feels …...

“Joe’s probably more pissed all three boys are trying hard to steal all his work than anything.” Jordan chuckles. Hearing Jordan speaking like this makes Tessa taste a strange uneasiness in her gut. “Anyway, you have to give him time.”

“Well, try to explain that to three-year-old. She’s not doing anything else than holding that lama he bought for her.”

“Lama?”

“Big pink plushie.” Tessa opens a picture on her phone. 

“Cute.” Jordan gushes. “Do you think they are making it in blue or green too?”

“Boys can have pink toys too, Jordan.” Tessa rolls the eyes. “And it’s not cute when you spend your evening blow-drying it while very tired child screams by your side instead of sleeping, because it had to watch her bathing and naturally fell into a bathtub. It’s eating with us, going to grocery store, everywhere.”

“It’s a first touchable memory of her father she has.”

“She could have real memories if he wasn’t stubborn.”

“You know you’re not being fair.” Jordan sends her a prone look. She does. Her mother even passed her a message saying he’s away for a week. But that doesn’t help a thing. “Besides, here we are again, you can always call him.”

Tessa groans. 

* * *

As she buckles her daughter into the only taxi with car seat she could find, she prays.

She made a decision in a whim. And the more time passes the harder she doubts. She should call, not book a tickets. But when her little one starts sobbing that daddy might not like her after all, she knew she had to act.

Facing Alma Moir was a lesson. She didn’t expect friendly welcome, yet the tired coldness in her face and the words which followed still surprised her. _And hurt._ She never thought she’s gonna see Alma more out of herself (yet calm, because she always is) than that one time she and Scott, when they were 9 and 11, somehow managed to turn down wooden picket fence at the backyard, yet here she was. It was her child in the car who got the address, not her. 

She’s done. And she understand that, but doesn’t think it’s fair all the same. Not that she thinks she deserve forgiveness, but still, she hurt his feelings, not his life.

Her child hate flights. Yet she decided to risk it all and show up at his doorstep. For what, she’s not sure. Leaving their daughter behind was not his fault, and until it become his choice, she’s gonna make sure Pat knows she’s loved. The same way she was doing with all these pictures and stories until now. If it means sharing a space, she would.

But as the taxi drives them further, she feels the press on her lungs. This either can go great or blow out in disaster. Considering she only spoke with him in problem solving mode and he contributed by one sentence, then latter rather than former.

“Are you sure we’re at the right place?” Tessa asks a taxi driver as he pulls in front of the building which looks like everything expect the cottage she would connect with Scott Moir. She never believed into his forced small town boy image, after all, that sport car he bought after Vancouver spoke loud for itself, yet still, she expected cozy, nice yet modern wooden chalet, not ultra-modern building built in straight, rectangular shapes and huge glass planes, construct with fine wood and black metal decorated with stones veneer.

“Fairly certain, madame.” The driver check the GPS again. “Is everything ok?”

“I guess.” Tessa checks her daughter at the back seat already trying to free herself and looks back at the driver. “Can you wait here for a minute?”

She’d hesitate if Pat wasn’t dragging her toward the house with a force three-year-old should _not_ have. If she didn’t ring the bell immediately, she swears she’d climb it. Sometimes she seriously reminds her father as fuck much.

It takes quite a time till he opens the door and Tessa is tempted to turn on her heels and heads away. Quite a contrast to her girl observing everything around. In that moment she curses herself, Jordan for constantly badgering the ball is on her side, her mother for the same, him for instantly charming every woman ~~her~~ their three-year-old include, and even Alma for giving her that address after all. When he opens, she’s convinced he was waiting her out on purpose. _Expect he probably wasn’t, considering a tea towel in his hands._

“Daddy.” Pat squeals and throws herself on him from a tad bit too large of a distance and almost faceplant a floor wasn’t it for his last-minute catch. _Damn, he’s still great at that._

“I came for you!”

“Yeah?” He kneels down by her side, kisses her cheek and tickles her ribs as that first he found her at the fair. 

“By plane!” She puffs out proudly and pushes her lama into his face.

“She hates planes.” Tessa adds. More to announce her presence than anything.

“Mommy!” She runs further into the house, still in her boots covered in snow, because naturally, she couldn’t walk on the shoveled pathway. “Look. Daddy has a little bear.” 

“I’m afraid it’s a little dog, sweetie.” Tessa chuckles.

“Animals and colors are not her strong sides, eh?”

“She’ll get there.” Tessa smiles down at Pat, already hugging his brown Pomeranian and giving him kisses. “Listen.” She says when she’s sure a little one is fully occupied by the dog. “I know we are not welcome here and I should probably call ahead, but trust me, I am nothing happier to be here than you are. She kept wandering around beside herself with your picture and that lama and snivel while constantly asking for you, so here we are. I have no idea whether you had any intentions to see her, but we as well can be civil.” That’s not her prepared speech.

“If _I_ had any intentions to see her? That is how it is now, eh?”

“Just keep her a while, could you?” She’s nowhere near to acknowledge his comment. “I’m gonna book a hotel for us and then we can go again.”

Scott runs a hand through his surprisingly long hair. His preferences used to be on the shorter side. “Stop being dramatic, okay? Can you just go inside so I can close the door? I am just having lunch, pasta with cheese sauce, are you?”

“Pat can’t eat pas-”

“Do you think I am trying to sabotage myself with gluten or what?”

“Fair.”

“The guy seems waiting for you.” Scott points the taxi driver.

“Oh. Our suitcases.”

He gets out to get it without a world meanwhile she saves their daughter from melting into a puddle together with that snow she’s already smearing around her while the dog licks her face.

“Well,” he huffs as he settled an arguably too large suitcase which wheels was damaged at the airport by his properly working, equally monstrous brother. “one thing didn’t change. You still can’t pack.”

She almost smiles. _Almost._

* * *

Lunch is success. Quite literary. Pat somehow manage to smear a sauce over all of them, Luna the dog include. He’s not all that sure, but if he is 10% as good at hinting Tessa Virtue as he used to be, then it’s his fault. Apparently, it’s obvious that three years old on regular chair at the too high table will end up covered in food. He almost asks how he should know she’s running around while eating, or that she will arrive at all, but knows better.

Later, they create one of the greatest dances of their lives. The grace with which they alternate in playing with a toddler should really be awarded. Yup, he learnt she no longer is a toddler because she walks fairly well, but he refuses to call such a small girl preschooler. 

Tessa plays puzzles they _luckily_ brought with them as there is nothing to play with with her while Scott put all their smudged clothes into the washing machine. Well, expect Pat’s light plum pullover, because he’s certain this thing is supposed to be washed in lighter load of laundry in some fancy product he’s sure he doesn’t have. 

He really thought he’s playing safe, but when he comes back and opens a cabinet with various toys he’s stocking there in case his nieces and nephews are around, he’s putted onto the track. From one look he’s certain the order should be reversed. 

On the other side, he, _only by sheer coincidence_ , adds Capparis he knows she hates into their dinner and she doesn’t say a word. 

To their credit, they are subtle enough that Pat is totally oblivious. Still, Scott cares. If she doesn’t notice, she doesn’t know better. And that breaks him a little. 

When he gets a phone call from Jordan that night, he knows they have to move. 

“Hey, Jo.”

“Hi. I’m calling to hear the second part of the story.”

Scott chuckles beside himself. “Of course you are.”

“Listen, I might plant a seed in her to visit you. I also said you need time, but you know how she is when she set a goal. I do am sorry.”

“It’s ok, Jordan. Not your fault. Besides, she said Pat was moping around and that’s the sole reason of her visit. She didn’t look like she’s joking. By the way, can you tell me how is it possible she never planned for us to meet yet that girl knows exactly who I am? I am kind of at lost since she called me daddy at the pool.”

“Honestly, no idea. I asked countless of times over the years but I’m not sure whether she knows herself.”

Scott runs a hand over his face as he nods. “Anyway, what is her part of story?”

“Basically, she complained you’re not willing to talk and I cite “you the hell knew what you are doing when you put the Capparis into her dish.”

“Well, I am willing to admit I did that intentionally.” He chuckles for real this time. “But I only did it the moment she reminded me for the third time I have to make something gluten free. Albeit, ironically enough, Pat’s coeliac disease is probably the only think she didn’t blame me for.”

“So you did talk?”

“Yup. She showed up at my doorstep, made sure I know I am the last person she wanna see, throw at me that she’s not sure whether I was ever planning to see Patricia again but we as well can be civil, since then subtly made two dozens of remarks on my account, aka I should dry Luna’s paws better so Pat doesn’t have that little wet mark on her shirt, and when Pat fall asleep I think we both felt relieved. Guess then she called you and now you’re calling me.”

“I am sorry to say that Scott, but you are the rational one in this. If you don’t settle, you will be constantly dancing on the edge on that girl’s nerves.”

“I figured.”

“Do you want me to come tomorrow?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Jo, you’re 30 weeks pregnant. I promise all three of us will survive and I will not add another thing she doesn’t like into her meal on purpose.”

“That’s more than she offered.”

Despite the situation, they both chuckle.

That night, Pat sneaks away from the bed she shared with Tessa and finds a way to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I really appreciate your feedback, as this is the first angstier story I tried! It means a lot!
> 
> Also, chapter 4 is finished! How frequent updates do you prefer?
> 
> Thank you to every one of you who stop by to read this story! Have a nice day.
> 
> (For those who read more of my stories - yes, I have a soft spot for Pomeranians and I have one at home. 😂)


	4. Breaking truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa learns some shocking truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this chapter longer than the previous 3 all together? Yes it is!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Jordan?” Scott opens a door with a crease between his eyes. Yesterday was a lot to take, but he’s still fairly certain they ended a call with mutual agreement they will survive without her mediation.

“You both said you don’t want me to come so here I am.” She finds her way into the house and literary kicks out her shoes. “Sorry, this pregnancy thing is making grace difficult.” She pats her belly and hugs him. Scott subtly moves the shoes together.

“Why on earth is she crawling?” She points her niece on the floor making her way toward them with a light chuckle.

“Oh.” Scott flashes he a grin she could also find on his daughter. Only his is less proud and more amused. “She’s a dog.”

Jordan laughs along. “I get that as she and Luna are friends.”

“Ah. The best.” Scott winks down at his daughter, already leaning on his leg. He wonders whether she picked that one from his real dog or it’s a natural dog character development. 

Jordan chuckles for herself. Decides not to go into details how his daughter is pleading with those eyes of hers (Tessa’s mostly, with a touch of his, giving her a perfect puppy dog look. Tessa’s eyes are the one which moves the world. _His definitely does._ If you are not careful enough you got lost in them without a way back. His are softer. And these moves the people. When he puts just half an effort, he gets what he wants. It took him shamefully short amount of time to figure that out. His daughter apparently follows the patch he leads.) for quite a while, trying to get home any furry animal possible. Cat, dog, guinea pig, rabbit. That one time she tried to convince Jordan to catch a squirrel in the park and take it home, because it sure is sad here alone and cold. She actually cried. Only hamsters don’t do. It looks like small rat. And these she hates. She claims she’s not afraid, but once a little mouse run in front of her at garden at grandpa’s cottage, and she screamed like someone is killing her. His dog definitely earns him big points. “Hi, Pats. Where’s mommy?” She asks.

“Washing up knees on Pat’s snowsuit.” Scott informs when the girl shrugs as much as her posture allows and scoops her up. Her little shierk might be his new most favorite giggle. “Apparently this one decided to be a dog in the middle of their walk.”

“She indeed is like her father.” Jordan pats his chest with an encouraging smile and pinches Pat’s nose playfully. “By the way, why didn’t she throw it into the washer?”

“I unfortunately dared to ask too.” Scott lifts one of his eyebrows. It must be funny because Pat catches it and tries to push it down with another fit of giggles. “From what I gathered as she was leaving into the hallway, it’s obvious that you have to pre-wash it unless you want to wash it in and throw out a piece.” He makes a pause to lift another eyebrow to see whether the girl will catch that one as well. She did. “And just so you know, I almost skipped crawling.”

“Of course you did.” Jordan laughs.

* * *

Tessa falls asleep on the sofa shortly after Jordan arrives. They consider wake her up for a lunch but decide otherwise. If she is that tired, then she better sleeps. Jordan puts Pat down for a nap only so she can pretty convincingly fake a sleep and then sneak away to appear by Scott’s side again with wide grin, claiming she woke up. 

He takes her out for sliding with intentions to tired her off and when he failed, they moved into the pool. It’s supposed to be a whirlpool for 10 people, but with jacuzzi off, a little girl can swim in just fine. She indeed is a little dolphin and he says her just that. 

Tessa wakes up to Jordan reading on the other side of the sofa. She holds some kind of maternity book yet again and she wanna snap these will not prepare her anyway but stops herself in time.

“I’m supposed to tell you that your lunch is in the oven.” Jordan announces when she noticed. “Parmesan Chicken with Mushrooms Rice.”

“Pat ate that?” She raises an eyebrow and ignores the fact it used to be one of her favorite meals of his.

“Yes.” Jordan rolls the eyes. “Got an extra, actually.” Tessa nods and reaches for her own book. “Not gonna ate?”

“Not hungry.”

“Are you going to do something about that?” Jordan raises her eyebrow. It’s well known schema. Once under the unexpected pressure, her appetite goes low.

“Yes, Jordan. I’ll wait till I'm hungry, and then obviously eat.” She rolls the eyes.

“About the reason why you’re not.”

“You mean, eat smaller breakfast or not fall asleep in front of lunch?” Tessa huffs in annoyance. “No need of an affair.”

Jordan rolls the eyes. Eventually she doesn’t need to go far away for a proof to her inner words. When she mentions Pat is in the pool with Scott, she almost bursts out. She did for real when he emerges from the room with the sleeping girl in his arms. 

“You gotta be kidding me!” She hisses.

“She’s asleep, Tess.” He says quietly and nods toward a little thing in his arms.

“I can see that! Do you really not have enough responsibility to put a three-year-old down for a nap?”

“I told you she didn’t want to sleep.” Jordan jump in.

“It’s not a big deal, eh? She sleeps now. It’s still a reasonable time.” Scott sets her down into the bed, carefully removes a towel in case it’s wet and covers her with a kiss. 

“NOT A BIG DEAL?! She’s naked with damp hair!”

“And what? She’s covered, it’s warm enough here. We can even raise the temperature if you like.”

“Yeah. Sure. Nothing. Expect when she’s ill, you’ll continue with your goddamn life and _I_ will be by her side when she cries!”

Scott squeezes his fits the way his knuckles go white. “Tessa! She wasn’t tired when we went to the pool, get that? She was fresh until she wasn’t in my arms, only then she started dozing off ...again - _in my arms.”_ In the same arms you once trusted will catch you during the blind fall in high speed feet above the ice, he wanna say, but he doesn’t. “Is it really that serious that you have to yell by her head? She’s warm and if by a chance she catches cold, whatever the reason will that be, I will take her with me, okay? Good enough?” He doesn’t wait for her answer. A few seconds later, they hear a slap of the door upstairs. 

“You really need to stop blaming him for everything.” Jordan says with authority she rarely use on her sister as soon as they left the room.

“He should behave as an adult, then.”

“No, Tessa. You should stop behave like a divorced lady who’s ex doesn’t give a shit about his child! You never named or blamed each other in 20 years, do you really wanna start in front of your kid?” Jordan turns on her heels. “And by the way, sis, he took her to the pool because for some inexplicable reason, he still care about you enough that he wanted to give you that nap!” With that, she leaves.

“Whatever.” Tessa mutters under her breath, but for a second, her mind drifts to the past.

* * *

“What a lovely picture.” Scott sits down on the floor by Pat’s side and kiss the top of her head. He might waited until he heard her tinny voice before he headed downstairs. Sounds cowardly but he have enough for a day. “Is this you?”

“That’s Luna!” She taps the paper and add some extra hair.

“Of course it’s Luna.” He praises. “And this is obviously the ball.”

It’s most likely not the ball, seems more like unfinished figure, but she giggles. “Me”

“Right. I’m just trying you.” He pokes her side.

“You draw!”

“I am supposed to draw? Oh kid, daddy’s such a bad artist.” Scott laughs.

She pushes a crayon into his hand and guides it toward the paper anyway. “Okay, okay. What am I supposed to draw?”

“Mommy.”

“Mommy? Easy.” He winks at her. “Does it look like her?” It certainly doesn’t, but it does have long legs and long, albeit orange hair, because brown crayon apparently got lost somewhere after finishing Luna, and he’s just finishing her green eyes.

“Yes.” She jumps up and down, clapping her hands together. 

“Should I add Auntie Jordan too?”

“You add.” She pushes her little finger into his chest.

“Me?” He faux prolongs the word. “I don’t know how that’s done. Maybe you could help me?”

Pat nods dutifully, glad to come in hand and takes a blue crayon _(he’s not sure whether it has any meaning or just sheer coincidence, but he does wear blue t-shirt)_. She makes a circle for head and some lines for body, then nods in satisfaction. “Daddy.”

“Damn if you didn’t make me just look great!” Scott squeezes her into him. Internally curses himself for a damn word. Pat spontaneously wraps herself around his neck, grinning at first, then starts crying.

“Oh, what’s wrong, bug?” Scott holds her against his chest and rubs her back. Taken aback by her sudden mood switch. 

“You leave me yesterday?”

“You came for me yesterday, remember?” He caress her cheek with a gentle smile.

“Jo said.”

“Oh, tomorrow?” It suddenly clicks. Jordan did ask him about his plans when they thought she’s napping and they did spoke about him leaving the house. “I just have a little work think tomorrow. I’ll be right back. I promise.” He kisses her tears stained cheek. “I’m never gonna leave you, sweetie. I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you sooner.”

“Love me?”

“I love you more than anything, baby.” The tears escapes his very own eyes as he clutches her toward his body. “More than anything.” He wipes her tears away. “Hey, do you wanna build a fort?”

“What’s fort?” She cocks her little head up and him with these curious eyes.

“That’s a little house from the blankets and furniture where you can whisper secrets.” Scott pokes her nose.

She nods eagerly. “Scret?” 

Scott smiles affectionately. “Secret. That is a think you don’t tell anyone but your bestest people.”

Tessa and Jordan witnessed the encounter.

* * *

“What the fuck is going on again!” Jordan appears on the stairs with hands on her hips. She left 20 minutes ago, faking the fatigue half through the movie with intention to let them alone in one space just for a little bit. Her intentions were pure and she didn’t expect a miracles, however when her sister promised that afternoon that she will apologize, at least for being a bitch earlier, she didn’t expect a fight. 

“Nothing. Thank you, Jordan, for your genuine intentions, but don’t try it again. I don’t give a shit about her half ass apologies.”

“It wasn’t half ass!” 

“No, you’re right. You basically said _Sorry Scott, but don’t think I had any easier life than you did._ That sounds more like no apology to me.”

“Tessa!” Jordan hisses.

“I did apologize! I can’t help how he feels!”

“How I feel?” He faux chuckles. She never once saw him react that way. Sure, she saw him mad countless times. But never once cold, almost distant, yet hurt and maybe almost resign. Certainly not against her. “Okay, T. Let’s list it.” _T._ The nickname slips his tongue and with the same intensity slides like a knife through her heart. She didn’t hear the word in long years. No one else calls her that. “At one point I lost love of my life, my best friend and skating partner. From the heights we… I was at, I end up with nothing. My personal life. My career. Gone. You left without a fucking goodbye!” He didn’t look into her eyes until now. “And I didn’t know why. It took me months to have a full night of sleep, Tessa. It’s a shame to look back how I thought I lost my life then, because then the accident happened. I fucking almost died! And you, my lifelong best friend didn’t give shit to send a fucking get well soon card. Damn, there were nights where I wished I died for real. I don’t know whether it was worse lying there in that pain with poor chances for decent life or knowledge that I spent 20 years with person who doesn’t care of me even that much. And after two years, when I get my life together, you march back and show me I have everything I ever wanted expect I am not part of it and keeps messing with me around like it’s _my_ fault. How do you think I should fuckin feel?!” With one last look and the tears he doesn’t care about, he continues in his way. He only stops at the edge of stairs when noticing Jordan’s hand in her lower back. “You okay? Back pain?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“Do you want a hand?” He digs into her muscles in the way which grants a slight but immediate relief.

“No. I’m gonna take a bath, if it’s not better tomorrow, I’ll seek you out.” She smiles. “Thank you. Try to get some sleep.”

He nods and disappears.

Jordan looks at stunned into silence Tessa, pale she’s worried she might faint, so she pushes her back to the sofa before she speaks. “I was silent when you threw at him it’s _you_ who _have to_ take care of Pat, but I seriously didn’t expect you to have guts to say something like this, Tessa. I don’t care you’re my sister, that guy went through hell. I’ve no idea why you left him but frankly at this point and all you and him provided, I am not sure whether he did anything else expect he knocked you up. And for that you need two. We all respected that was your choice, we even kept out mouths shut about Patricia, but none of us expected you seriously didn’t give a shit about him. Can you imagine how it fucking was? Mom was alternating with Alma and Joe by his bed that first week so they can get a poor amount of sleep under the pills while she needed them herself. How it was seeing Alma, the woman who used to treat you like her child, begged us in tears to make you come when they told him he has a 50% chance he will walk and from that 70% chance he will never skate again? At first we thought he’s not gonna fight and we all knew you’ll be the reason why he would. Damn, you had Pat for that matter. Yet you kept shutting us down before we managed to finish his name. Damn Tessa, he somehow convinced a medical stuff to record a message for you and send it to your e-mail before they put him to sleep because he didn’t want you to find out from news, yet you didn’t have enough courtesy to send a text message back. Can you imagine how he had to feel? Crushed, Tessa. Crushed. It was like he was hit by that car all over again. You are not happy with your life decisions? Great, change them. But please, at least have a respect enough to avoid comparisons like this.” Jordan ignores her sister’s heavy tears and left here with her thoughts.

In her room she previously shared with Pat but now have alone, as the girl decided to sleep with Scott instead, she pulls out her laptop and braces herself. 

She opens her old Gmail first, the one she ignored for years, and opens his last email. It indeed include a voice message and the text a paramedic named Simonne Kenwood must add. It reads that he wants her to know he suffered an accident, continuing that the injuries are severe and that they will do their very best to put him together, with wishes. The voice mail itself is very short and hardly hearable, including coherent parts _I will be good_ , _promise_ , and _love you_ , about the last few words she’s not completely sure but one reminds _Virch_. She doesn't need to see him to feel the state he was in. And she let him alone. She sinks down from the bed, hugs a pillow and cries. 

Usually, in the moment of weakness, she would cry herself out in the shower. Let a cold water cover the damage afterward. But now she doesn’t care. 

There is no wonder his eyes are different. He was born again, and raised without her. She _chose_ that. Maybe not intentionally, but there is no guilt she could shake. She chose to leave. Chose to ignore his emails and calls, eventually switched for new ones. She chose to ignore his family. And hers in that matter. There is no weight of their five Olympic medals and a decade of dominance, no 20 years of history, she could compare to that one failure. She left him alone in the only moment it really mattered. The moment he needed her the most.

In that moment, she understands a coldness and distance of Alma. The pain in his gaze, unmistakably deeper than a hidden child. And maybe, a disappointed shade of her own mother’s eyes she tends to write off as a distance or as a product of her fantasy two years ago, and eventually got used to.

An hour later, she knocks on Jordan’s door. 

“I swear, if I had known about the accident, I’d come first thing.”

“I wish I could believe that, Tess, but you would have to move to different universe, not continent for that.” Her sister gives her sad smile. “I used to read emails from his friends to him time to time when he couldn’t, and even if you ignored his message, and basically whole his family, there was one from Alyona Savchenko. _Germany’s_ Alyona Savchenko.”

“You have to trust me I didn’t.” She starts shaking and burst in tears again. One would think she has nothing more to cry out, but her body, or maybe a soul, finds a way. Her reaction is unmistakably too deep and raw to be pretended. “Tell me what really happened.” Tessa practically pleads when her sister stays silent. 

Jordan visibly contemplates her options, her eventual nod is tired. “It happened on his birthday. He went for a run and a drunk driver lost control over the vehicle in high speed. He had severe fractures, what was in one piece was bruised. It really was bad. They put him into medically induced coma for 3 days, that first week was crucial. I don’t know the details of that part, but truth is he really can’t have kids. His chances on full movement wasn’t great. It took weeks till he went home and then another week till he let himself to be transferred to Switzerland to one of the very best rehabilitation clinics in the world. It was great option but mostly, he didn’t want a pity around. He was there half a year, then followed with intense rehabs for another few months and I think he still has a check outs. He changed his life from the scratch along with that. Cut things of with his almost fiancé, applied for two bachelor programs which he somehow managed to finish in 2 years. He didn’t skate since you left, but promised to himself that he will if he ever get a chance again. Eventually he did.”

“We weren’t in contact with Moirs much before the accident as your wishes were, but once it happened, it didn’t matter. You are our blood, but he become a family too. Kevin used to refer a sport news to him. Casey stopped running then and I’m not sure whether he started again. Even dad stopped by. Now he lives in Toronto in nice apartment, teach a few juniors and pursuits his masters. That might be in short about all.”

“And the me part?”

“Well, you part, that crushed him. Somehow all of us. I think we never understand what he could possibly do for you to cut things of the way you did, I couldn’t grasp why you named your daughter after him and made sure she knows who he is yet never allowed him to find out, but to accept that after everything you’ve done and the time you’ve spent together you really didn’t have an ounce of care, that he means nothing to you, even in such a moment …”

“I did care. Damn I still do.” Tessa lets out a shaky breath, her hands covering her eyes. She remembers a square breathing to prevent her burning panic attack.

“That is why you snapped at him for giving too much of water into Pat’s glass or not cutting her meal the way you do?”

Tessa sits up straighter again and search her sister’s face. Then her eyes fall to her hands in her lap. “It’s just …” She takes a deep breath. The words resonating in her head. Few hours ago she’d not be able to admit them, now when she faces the truth, another one wants out. She lifts her head back up and looks her directly into her eyes. “it’s easier to be mad at him then admit that nothing of this is his fault.”

“Then you as well can tell me the truth.”

“Short or long version?”

Jordan chuckles lightly. “Short is just enough with me, but one day, and here me out now - that days is _not_ tomorrow or next week, you’ll have to offer the full one.”

“I know.” Tessa nods. “So …” she breath again “it wasn’t a plan. In short, that day we came back from Asia and his friend had a bachelor party, I found out I am pregnant. He didn’t knock me up as you said, because that would mean it was an accident. It wasn’t, not from his side. I told him I’m on birth control, but I wasn’t. I messed up the dates and I was supposed to have a new injection month earlier than I thought.”

“Believe it or not, he didn’t want kids at the moment. Everyone thought otherwise, but he wanted to travel. It was perfect because I wanted all these opportunities given to us and he could easily travel with me. But if he knew I am pregnant, it would be it. He’d settle and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to ruin his life. I also wasn’t sure whether I want to keep it.” She shudders. Thinking that way about their child now gives her unpleasant goosebumps. “Well, I was sure before I stepped on the plane the next day, but I didn’t want to be the one who made a life decision for him. I also knew that his ex wanted to get back together.”

“That singer who was caught cheating on him month in front of the Olympic?” Jordan raises an eyebrow, the disgust in the woman still present. 

“Yep, this one.” She nods. “So I kept telling myself that I am giving him a choice.” It sounds incredibly stupid to her own ears. She had no reason to believe he’d want to reunite with his ex after more than half a year and 3 months of their own relationship. Let alone with all she did. “But I never did. I bought a ticket to Germany, packed a fresh suitcase and left. He didn’t have an opportunity to stop me. Or found me. I didn’t mean to never come back, but then I realize that if I came back pregnant, he might feel like I’m coming back only because I didn’t have a choice. I thought I will come back after Pat is born, but then life carried away and when I realize it, she was one and it was too late. I knew I hurt him too much and I didn’t want to face it. That was when I decided I’ll make sure that Pat knows who her dad is and how amazing he is, but never let them meet. I spend another year considering it time to time, but when she was two, it was it. I really thought it will be better if he never find out. In a way, I wanted to save him from the pain. Eventually I convinced myself he has a nice life. Wife, two kids, this big dog he always wanted now when he finally has time and thrives as a coach.” She smiles weakly. Her eyes red. “And I couldn’t let you bring him up cause then it might broke.” When Jordan stays silent a beat too long, she adds “Well, never mind, that’s full version.”

“Well.” Jordan takes a deep breath. Too deep maybe, until Tessa realizes she’s holding her ribcage and grimaces. “I guess my boy think you’re stupid.” She says through gritted teeth when she gets another kick. “No, seriously sister, your mind is a killer!”

“I know.”

“Well, fortunately for you, if anyone is used to your goddamn logic, then it’s Scott, so he’ll probably believe you.” Jordan express, but Tessa is not completely convinced whether Jordan believes it herself.

“I don’t think it really matters, Jo. He could never forgive me. When we met at the pool and I see his eyes, I knew…”

“You know what, maybe not, but it certainly feels better than thinking that the only other person you spent day by day for 20 years beating the world with couldn’t care less about your life in the rawest meaning of word. Or so I guess.”

Tessa lets it twirl in her head. She sees Scott at the hospital bed again. Alma. Joe. His brothers. She thinks of the fact she wasn’t there. The betrayal she caused. The years she believed in his fine life while he was learning to walk again. The imagines of little Pat, the only kid he’ll ever have, floats through her mind. She’s reminded with memories she stole. She’s overcome with pain he got though and the pain she caused. When she left. When she ignored him. And when she hide Pat. “I have no idea what I should do…”

“Well, for a starter, you could stop blaming him for sharpies on t-shirt when _you_ took them out.” Jordan smashes her shoulder.

Tessa chuckles genuinely, but the pain in her chest prods further. “Yeah, that might was too far.”

“Also Tess, do you really think that Scott out of all people needs to be reminded of merits of gluten free diet in front of every meal?”

“Probably not.”

“Great. Go from there and remember that he doesn’t know that girl. There’s no way he can know she doesn’t like carrots or that she always sticks her fingers into her cocoa.” Jordan gives her a gentle smile this time. “It’s also completely irrelevant whether she ends up with sticky hair or dirty clothes. She’s three and they are just having fun. You know the best that he’d never do anything to risk her well being.”

“I’m glad he told you to come.” Tessa scoops closer to Jordan and hugs her. “Even if you’re on both sides, mostly his.”

“To be fair, he told me not to come as well, that’s why I did.” Jordan chuckles.

“You did not!” Tessa pushes away from her with an incredulous look of laugh.

“Seems like I did.” She pats her shoulder. “Go get some sleep, sis.”

“You too.” Tessa smooths Jordan’s belly then. “And you too, troublemaker. Get mama some sleep.”

“Not gonna happen. I think I picked a sperm of batman.”

Tessa snores. “Well, good job with that.” She almost adds that an energized bunny is not twice better, but the words can’t quiet come.

“Good night, Tess.” Jordan squeezes her knee.

“And Jo…” Tessa stops by the doors. “You and Scott … you know ...” She gulps back something she can’t fully grasps. “You’d be a great couple.”

“You’re right. We would be. I will be happy to find a guy like him.” Jordan smiles modestly.

“Why find, then? You guys seems close.” Tessa puts her best effort into a smile. 

“We’re not that close.” Jordan rolls her eyes and waves her off.

“Oh. My. Got.” Tessa raises her voice into a squeak and marches back toward the bed. Her eyes loses a spark with every inch. “You totally are into him.”

“No.” Jordan chuckles with a smirk. “I’m tricking you.”

“No, you’re not. I saw you guys. Joking around. Little squeezes.”

“Tess, we’re speaking about Scott. The most affectionate guy around. He’s giving me little squeezes since he outgrowth his awkward teenage phase. He’s giving squeezes to his male friends for that matter. The only change you see is that he is closed up to _you_.”

“Back massage, eh?”

Jordan laughs. “I failed to specifically mention he’s degrees in Kinesiology and Physiotherapy.”

“Oh.” Tessa internally curses herself for the feeling of heat in her cheeks and blame it to her nerves. She’s also taken aback by his choice. He was always smarter than he did himself a credit for, but she’d expect a math, something he naturally thrives at, not a field he had to memorize every tiny nerve and muscle in human body. She used to created him a flash cards for his exams (not that he asked for them) and drilled a definitions and listings into him during their car rides, sometime even during warm ups, but never once it occurred to her it might be his future. But then, he never had particular struggles with biology, unless it was a plants part of the course _(I don’t think I need to know how flowers’ vaginas look like)_ , and his hands used to work as her quite skilled personal physiotherapist in a high time or long travels for years. So maybe it’s not as surprising after all … 

“You know what?” Jordan smirks. “It make me wonder how could you not notice some of his scars when you saw him shirtless two times.”

“I’m not checking him out!” She’s too quick to answer.

“You were checking your daughter he was holding quite a bit we could say? Interestingly enough the scar on his ribs was like inch away.”

“See. Not checking him.”

“Isn’t it weird being _so_ aware of _not_ checking someone?” Jordan raises an eyebrow.

“I guess I better go to sleep.” Tessa states. 

“Go.” Jordan chuckles. “And be nicer to him tomorrow, yeah?”

* * *

Pat wakes up in the middle of night thirsty only for Scott to find out that in the heat of things, he didn’t bring any drink by the bed. He scoops her up and takes her downstairs, explains along the way that no, they are not going to play, albeit he has to admit to himself that he’d in fact didn’t mind, playing with her with no one around. He’s fully occupied by his thoughts and trying to calm the energy of the girl down so she doesn’t fully wake up and he indeed doesn’t end up with a kid in the age between a toddler and preschooler more than awake during the night (If she’s off tomorrow, he damn is in troubles. Again.) that he’s startled when the girl catches in breath. 

It takes him a moment to follow her eyes in the dark to spot now equally startled Tessa who sits down from whatever pose she was just doing. “I.” She starts before the rest of the sentence catches up. “I couldn’t sleep and find this mat here.” She offers. “I’m sorry.”

“We’re going for a drink.” Scott adds his part and continues toward the kitchen counter again. “Keep going.”

Scott watches her by the corner of his eye as he fills the glass. Probably too much again, or not enough, who knows. She’s as graceful as ever. Her yoga moves more fluid than before, telling him it’s something she does often now. It almost startles him again when she speaks.

“Scott, I … I know now I basically doesn’t even have a right to apologize … and I’m gonna repeat it countless time since now on … but I truly am sorry.”

“Why sorry?” Pat asks almost faster than he manages to nod. Well, he stared for a few beats, so not so fast after all. 

“For using my mat without asking.” Scott kisses her nose. Once again, she’s grateful for his nimble mind.

“Can I?”

“You can use my mat whenever you want, bug.” He smoothes her hair out of her face. “But not now!” He adds quickly and swears he heard Tessa chuckles. “C’mon, give mama a kiss and let’s go back to the bed.” He holds her out so she can reach Tessa’s face, says his own quick good night and starts walking away. 

“Story?” The little one asks.

“About princesses?”

“And unicorn ponies.”

“Unicorn ponies? That’s a thing?” Scott laughs at her lightly. Pat grins, nodding up and down.

When he reaches the stairs, he turns on his heels to face the woman who used to be his world once again. “Hey Tess, you’re favoring your right shoulder.”

When they left, Tessa bursts in tears.

Upstairs, Scott tells the story about two beautiful unicorn ponies and one brown, simple pony, who won a friendship of unicorns and fairy princess thanks to his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good? Bad? You tell me! 
> 
> I hope the place Tessa’s at was revealed quiet well. 
> 
> This chapter was really important to me, that’s why I kept playing with it for a little longer, hope you could feel it! Let me know.
> 
> Have a nice day!


	5. Breather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prove that you can only plan as much.

Since Tessa learnt true outlines of his life, a burden on her lungs tighten. 

Knowing Scott Moir is single four and half years since she left him was one thing, thing she didn’t acknowledge, surprising, maybe, if she would go that way, but nothing like learning the true.

Painting him happy was easy. She couldn’t imagine him alone. People like him aren’t. Generous. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. Loving. Affectionate. Men who bring you flowers because it’s thursday and they saw them in the mall or because they have the same color of your dress at the morning. Smart. Passionate. Driven. Fair in flaws share, but minor. He’s difficult to open. Maybe because his at the first sign open nature. But he’s easy to love. 

She hoped it’s a nice, genuine girl, with bright smile, because these he loves. With eyes brown, or maybe blue. Not green. Because she’s that selfish. She wanted that thing stay for her. Memory. She hoped he’ll see a girl with bright green eyes and remembers some day. She hoped he forgave. 

She saw him with two kids, or maybe three if he changed his mind. He always adored kids. And they loved him back. A boy, but definitely a girl. He always had a spot for little girls. He claimed they are cuter. With these little dresses and the cutest hair. She knew a boy would wrap him around his little finger, but she wanted give him that girl. 

Ironically. She had just one, but she didn’t see it that way. She could just close her eyes and see him with this family. And a dog. Labrador or maybe border collie. He had one one when he was small. Layla. It was his grandpa’s, but he used to try all these tricks with her. He would bike to the other side of Ilderton every day to take her for a walk. She imagined him walking the dog with a little bean on balance bike by his side. Taking them to playground. Teaching them everything, expect skate. This she couldn’t.

She knew he’d be a kind of dad who put them to the bed, come back to give them one more kiss and then clean up all the toys because he wanted to see them play a little longer. Then smiles at his wife, this crooked boyish way, with shiny eyes full of affection and a promise of next day. And she would smile back, despite she’d know the next day he’ll do the same. 

She imagined all the ways he looks like dad, just to don’t see he’s not. And that was hard to accept. Impossible to accept while seeing him with her daughter, his daughter she convinced herself over and over he doesn’t need. That he’s better if he doesn’t know.

The remaining time at his cottage was a torture. She managed, for most parts, not snap at him whenever possible or not. He bought Pat crisp white Nike sweats set out of fear she’d damage her clothes while cooking. Jordan put her best effort into setting up tiny encounters. Really tiny, because she no longer risk a possibility of another heated speech. One time she sent her make her a tea while Scott was cooking. Then ask him for new towels. She only later realized she could give her some of hers, or that there is no way she run out of them when her ensuite bathroom had full stack. And another time she pushed them sit closers on the sofa. _That one maybe shouldn’t count. They should have noticed that their daughter has a head on his tight and stretching her body the best possible, pointing her little feet, just to touch her as well by the peak. But they failed._

Since her discovery of his life, Tessa couldn’t look into his eyes and it would all be whole lot easier if he wasn’t trying to be nice. He would ask her whether she wants refill the glass, despite otherwise they all served themselves like home, or what she prefers for lunch. Expect all she prefers is him not asking. 

It makes her feel worse. And even more to hear first hand the change in his voice and behavior from how it used to be when he does so. Variness. Uncertainty. Effort to do so.

There is bunch of reasons. For what she did. Or didn’t for that matter. It should be her trying. She doesn’t understand why he does so.

When he told her he’s not able to make it to London 10 days straight, she was relieved. Didn’t offer to take Pat to Toronto how she most likely should, but settles on phone calls. She needed a breather. A time to collect her thoughts, actions and frankly, wounds. 

It sounded easy. Phone call every other day. Funny picture if opportunity given. She could do that.

Expect their daughter is sneaky little smart thing.

When Scott presented her with a card with ten boxes and the same number of stickers to put one in the box for each day with a promise he’d come when the card is full, Tessa found it nice. Thoughtful, even. After all, Pat currently eating an advent calendar on the same basics. When she was presented with full card of stickers three days sooner and a question whether daddy will come to her show (her preschooler Christmas recital), she internally lost her words. She might should told him about the thing with prior notice. But then, he said he can’t make it into the city anyway, so she gladly pushed it away with that. He would never find out. Or that’s what she thought. Until Pat has different ideas.

Now, the least she can do is a call. Pat might cheated her way with the stickers, but her genuine face lets out she’s no way able understand that. It’s one thing explain her cheating, but the other that her dad will not come because of that. She sees the card full. And he promised he’d be there once it is. Besides her reasons were pure. All she wants is for her daddy to come to her thing as other daddies do. When she hears that, it hits her again, because their daughter shouldn’t be force to finding the way how to make it happen. That’s their responsibility. She would call. They owe her at least as much.

It’s evening call instead of morning when she finally makes herself take the phone. It doesn’t help that she has to call twice until he pick it up.

“Hey.” He calls. She can hear a fabric scratching in the background. “Was in the shower, sorry.”

So in regard to the background, he’s either in towel or clothes. Wrong, he’s climbing into the bed, because he almost knocked a water on his nightstand and told her so. “Hi. You have a problem.” She waits until he seems settled. Her mind momentarily weight a weirdness of the knowledge he’s in bed and the feeling coming with that.

“What’s new, eh?” 

“I think I apologized, _eh_?” She might occasionally reacted that way again, but she did apologize. 

“What’s my problem, then?”

“Sending you a picture.” Tessa hears him chuckle at first before it dawn on him. “She wants to you come to her preschool Christmas recital tomorrow.”

He chokes. “You didn't just told me about her recital at 10pm a day prior, did you?!”

She grimaces. She’s not even sure why she didn’t tell him. There might be something about necessity of further sharing, as he’s not even aware Pat’s doing preschool yet. Or that she’s not ready for them to show up together. Maybe she’s afraid of gossips or of the weight of it.

But truth be told, It’s none of that. It was just easy when everything else is hard. 

“I thought you can’t make it. I’m sorry. Any chance you can?” She doesn’t waste time by further argument which would sure come. And he’d sure win. Now when she think of that, she might inadvertently stole another milestone of his child away from him. Busy or not, that was his decision to make. 

“I don’t know.” Tessa wonder whether he’s running his hand through his hair or scratching his neck now. Young Scott would do a neck thing, older one using his hair. _Or so that was the man she used to know._

“It’s not a big deal if you can’t. She’s just doing preschool 3 days a week and at the recital she sings a song with other kids and has a line in poem.” It is big deal for her. It’s her daughters first recital. She’s certain it’s an equally big deal for him. She’s not even sure whether she’s trying to ease his guilt for missing time or her’s for failing to share. “I just need to explain her.”

“What time is it?”

“4pm. It’d send you the address later but it’s in downtown.” ….. “Are you running your hand through your hair?” She asks in a moment of weakness as a strong urge to know during another beat of silence of his overcomes her. Her head falls back before she manages to finish it. Her cheeks burns.

“Um.” Scott stops with his hand mid air in his locks. “I do?” She can hear a touch of deeper vulnerability and confusion in his voice. “Anyway, I’ll try, okay? But there is only as much I can do now.”

* * *

Tessa didn’t doubt he’ll be there since he hung up. She’s not sure what he had to do to made it happen, but when she got text saying he’ll make it, she wasn’t surprised at the least. 

Either way, it didn’t help her to be prepared. On contrary. The knowledge made her restless. She dread a reaction of people, but what she fears the most is him. There was time, yes, in singular, because once it started it never stopped until it did, where she knew his every step, every thought. Or these which matters. 

She had it all and pushed it away and what’s she’s left with is a blank page of gray.

Now she doesn’t even know whether he wants, or, is willing, to sit by her side. His presence makes her unsure. Her body reacts the way her mind can no longer and her heart tremble. 

A single stray thought runs through her mind at the pace of flash until she push it away. She’s scared of sometime she previously created out of fear. _Fear of something nice._

Scott comes breathless exactly four minutes into the start. His white button down ascendantes his cheek color she’s not sure is coming from his effort or freezing wind. Either way, strangely, it eases her nerves. 

He greats her mother and deliberately sits down by her side. That’s for the question. 

Turns out preschool show is no punctual affair. Tessa considers starting a conversation when she’s interrupted by her very daughter with her “Daddy!” scream from behind the curtain. It was fun when other kids did so, unfortunately not theirs. He sends her an air kiss with a smile back but what follows is an uncomfortable tension. 

“Don’t you think it would be less awkward if they just turned around instead of trying to steal a glance?” Scott whispers one second. It startles her at first but then she chuckles.

“Did you bring your 3-year-old daughter the flowers?” Tessa tucks at the paper wrap with an incredulous face.

“Yup.” He pops the “p”, then let her sneak a peak of the flowers. It’s a little bouquet of peach rununculus. “Every performer should get some.”

“I am confident to bet that she’ll be the only one.” She considers elbows him slightly but before she makes her mind, the moment passed.

“Not my fault their parents don’t know the protocols.” He lifts an eyebrow and gives her a brief real smile she’s not sure how to take. Eventually writes it to his moment of past. 

* * *

_I told you they were fucking._

_She ditched him for a guy from Germany, did you hear?_

_Do you think the kid is even his? I heard she was easy laid._

_She never came. For real. My sister work at the hospital he was at._

_I don’t know why she come back anyway. Did you hear that that car hit him because of her?_

_That girl looks like she knows him. It’s a nonsense she was away. They didn’t want anyone to know. My cousin met her at Toronto few years back. They had to be hiding._

_I heard he can’t have kids. I’m telling you, it’s not his._

_I don’t think he knew. He was in Canada while she was not. No way. His baby fever was infectious._

_She looks like his._

_My friend said he fucked her whole their career. She performed better then. It had to be an accident._

_No one saw them together in years._

_I read she didn’t fit the costumes in Japan. They thought she’s just fat._

Tessa sinks deeper and deeper with each sentence she overhears. It almost comes to be hard to leads a conversation with mum in front of her. It forces her blink twice faster to avoid tears. She expected a reaction, but she forgot a hurt the words can cause.

“Excuse me,” Scott appears by her side. “can I steal her for a second?” He flashes a smile to the other woman who flashes the same one back. He puts his hand on a small of her back and leads her away from the crown, but still in a great view from the doors for Pat. When they are in the corner, he pulls her into his side, not completely, but close enough for her to feel the tension in him. She’d lie if she claimed his stiffness doesn’t match hers.

“You don’t owe anything to these people, Tessa, okay? It’s the same shit as ever. Don’t let them take you down.” He says into her ear. She nods despite she doesn’t think she deserve it. “We’re in great mess, yes, but it’s our mess. We own it. And we’re gonna make sure it stays that way.” He waits for her nod again and continues. “We’re going to go out there, we smile, make pictures with Pat as a family if she wants, we’re gonna lead polite conversations, together, we manage that the same way we got through every annoying interview before, and when it’s polite enough to leave, we’re gonna leave and take our daughter for dinner she deserves. Are you on board?”

“Dadyyyyy” Pat storms toward them as soon as her teacher opens the door. “Did you see me?”

“I did!” Scott lets go of Tessa and kneels to her eye level. “You were _amazing_!” He presents her with flowers. She bends forward and leans on her knees with a fit of giggles and shiny eyes. “For me?”

“Of course they are for you!” He picks her up with a solid kiss on her cheek. “You’re my little star.”

“Mommy!” She squeals and shows a bucket near her face. “Flowers for me.”

“Aren’t they beautiful, bug?” Tessa caress her cheek. In that moment, it doesn’t matter what anyone else around them think. It's him, her, and their baby made without knowledge but with love so deep it almost destroyed her. 

“Me show Carrie.” She points the black hair girl with pigtails along the room. 

Scott laughs and sets her back on the ground. Instead of running ahead, she reaches for his hand and flash a grin to Tessa. 

“Let’s do this.” Tessa nods into his eyes when he turned to her. If he think they are in this together, they the hell are. 

* * *

Whole remaining part of the afternoon goes well. Great even. Pat is over the Moon. Unexpectedly sassy toward some girls, maybe. 

They got toys, she has flowers. It’s only later when assistant teacher of their class explain them that the two girls are from separated families and they create great fuss that one time whenever their fathers decide to pick them up. Pat’s never did, but the toys are the bribes for their dad’s absence.

Tessa needs a breather. 

They make great pictures in a photo booth. Each kissing Pat from one side. They look perfect. Happy. And they are. She is. For most parts. 

Expect when she’s aware it’s not for them as for people. That they create a bubble. Their bubble. But this one is safe _and_ sorry. _She_ is sorry.

Expect when she breaths deep, her senses are filled with past and her exhales with presence she never got.

Expect when she close her eyes, and sees what she have instead of what she had.

Tessa spent good portion of her life pretending inconceivable. Tiny nuances of relationships she not yet experienced. Calmness when her legs screamed give up. Joy when she wanted nothing more than be held and cry. Hunger, passion, lust, before she was old enough to understand. Love. Heartbreak. Death. They were masters in that. It won them more medals than she can count. But this time she can’t.

She can’t pretend she never hurt him. 

She can’t pretend they are a family when they are not. 

And can’t pretend it’s not ripping her apart. 

But most of all she can’t pretend she loves him. Because the more she sees him with Pat, or around, hurting just looking at her, the more she knows she still do.

She’s actualy grateful when Pat convinced him to tuck her in bed. The little girl is so partied out that she falls asleep second page in the book in and with Kate out with a friend, which has to be either Scott’s mother or significant man based on all the weird mysterious veil around (with latter more likely than former), she has an opportunity she wasn’t ready to use before.

“Can we talk?” She stops him right in front of the room before the atmosphere gets any awkward with their ice breaker now asleep.

“I still have to get back home, Tess.” He smiles. Really smiles. But his face mirrors everything.

“To your parents?”

“No. Home. To Toronto.” 

“Oh.” The fact he’s not referring Ilderton home anymore sure surprised her big. And she’s not sure how she feels. He used to talk about easily imagining his life in Montreal or any big city, joked it might by France if she wanted, but never was she imagining he’ll ever not consider his born community his home. The way he just sounded, he no longer does. “You can stay in the guest room here if you feel.” She points the first room by the left. “Looks probably the same as the last time you slept there about what, 15 years back? but the mattress is new. I swear. And mom made some gluten-free muffins earlier. It’s not like your mum’s but she become pretty decent in them.”

“Look, I appreciate it and I trust Kate’s muffins are great, but I have a dog at home left alone since early morning and an exam by 8am tomorrow. I’ll be back in two days. Thanks for today.” Unspoken _*Don’t do it tougher.*_ hangs just there for her to grasp. 

“Wait. I _need_ to say at least one thing. Please.”

He nods, his eyes lays on his hands, one tearing the skin around a thumb of the other. Clear sign he’s nervous. She chose her words carefully. “I know it was my fault. And I am not trying to ease my guilt here. But I didn’t know.” The tears fill her eyes. “I didn’t know about the accident, Scott. I need you to know I didn’t. I know I did a lot of wrong things to you and you have no reason to believe me, but I didn’t and I am so sorry for that. I am sorry I wasn’t there.” Tessa wiped her eyes. “I will never not be sorry.” She looks up. “So drive safe, okay?”

“I will.” He holds his eyes open without a blink all it cost. She sees his nails digging into his palms to channel his feelings elsewhere.

“Send me a picture of Luna when you get back.” She says. “For Pat.”

“I will.”

“Good luck with the exam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuff this fic. It takes a lot of reading and re reading, haha. It make me feel along with them. But it’s so fun to write.
> 
> I know I know, I said tennis fic is coming up, but I just love making my life difficult there. Obviously. 😅 Might have to change the concept of the chapter or push it through. Also, my boyfriend decided to be very time consuming (don’t tel him, haha). 😂 I only can promise you is coming together!! So does an update of twin fic. 
> 
> Yell at me, I appreciate it! ❤️ Your comments and insights make be think about it more and I believe create a better piece.


	6. Roller Coaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> I know I didn't post in ages and didn't updated this one in forever, but life is just so weird rn. I am doing home office - office switches every other day and it's just so hectic. I think I am working nonstop. I am aware I promised you updates and I also know I appologized few times, when really there is nothing much to say...  
> That said, enjoy!

Patricia runs toward Scott through a new layer of snow, small but big enough for her little feet, tears staining her hot cheeks, the moment she sees him on the other side of Moir’s house driveway. Tessa makes a few faster steps to catch up, but eventually let her go. She exhales and makes a tired sigh. Scott brought Pat from their morning playdate consisting of The Three brunch as Pat calls it because they had Christmas tree waffles at the downtown (Tessa secretly laughs at this one as she’s imagining Scott eat those waffles with a flourish despite he hates all these artificial colorings used in food industry, but she never doubted he’d be _“tea time at the tiny pink table & cup set” _ kind of dad. She actually considered buying one for Pat in her weak moment just to see that one.) and snow sliding in the park. She’s been morose almost since.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Scott picks her up and wipes her tears away.

“Wrong.” Pat pushes her face into the crook of his neck.

“What’s wrong, eh?” He caresses her back soothingly. “What’s up?” He asks Tessa instead because the girl is silent, slowly calming down.

“Honestly, I don’t know. She’s been playing with Casey’s girls and the next thing I know she’s crying and asking for you.” In fact she knows exactly what happened. Kate took her and Mia, Casey’s younger, to put them down for a nap and Casey walked around and stopped to kiss his daughter. She’s a mess since then.

“Well, what should I do, then?” Scott kisses now soothed girl’s temple.

“Play with her a while. I don’t know. Keep her today if you like.” She shudders at the thought of Christmas without her little spark, but he already had three of those, and if this is what her daughter wants, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do.

“That’s nonsense, Tess. She'll ask for you after a while. We can’t keep driving her back and forth.”

“I don’t know what else to do, Scott.” Tessa’s eyes fill with unshed tears, threanes to fall. “She just keeps crying for you, I’m tired and she almost has a fever by now.”

Scott looks between Pat and Tessa and sighs. “How do you feel about driving in this mess?”

“Um, depends where?”

“Toronto.”

“I have a spare tire on.” Driving from London to Ilderton in so heavy snow it’s almost like a white dark in the middle of the day was just on the line of safety. 

“Will your car seat fit into my car?”

“Well, it depends on the car you have.”

“Audi Q7.” Scott rolls the eyes momentarily because she looks at him like he speaks Chinese again. _All those years he spent teaching her cars._ “SUV.”

“Then it would.” Tessa nods. “But where do you wanna go?”

“My apartment.”

“That’s … no.” She considered visiting him since Pat’s recital countless times to talk to him, but it just didn’t seem right to her to invade his last personal space he has like that and stain it with the past. “Scott, you didn’t want to …” she makes a pause instead of saying spent a day with her family in front of Patricia “and I get that.”

“You didn't offer to spend it with the two of you, Tessa. The two of us might be able to get through … but not with twenty other people with various stages of pity, regret and anticipation around. I love your family but I am not ready for that.” He’s seen some of them briefly, but if she’s judge, then earlier that day when he brough Pat, the atmosphere at her born house was indeed heavy when the two of them appeared in one room. The pain in her brothers’ eyes when they greeted him was another reminder of her guilt, if she miraculously needed one. “Besides, we don’t even have the right to do that to these people. It's the Holidays out of all.”

Tessa skips the part about whether he’d agree if she made such a proposition and if so why he didn’t make one. “Your apartment, though? It’s your place, Scott. I don’t wanna invade it.”

“Well, the last time I checked, your cottage has a heat system out and mine is on the other side of the country so it’s not like there is a choice, Virch.” Scott says surprisingly playfully.

“Virch.” Pat surprises them with a little giggle. They both were making sure to sound light, speaking, discussing possibilities, not arguing, and she looked like she’s about to doze off now when she finally calms down, but she proves them wrong after all. She was listening.

“You’re Virch too.” Scott tickles her over the jacket. 

“Me Moir.” Pat keeps giggling against his neck.

“I’m afraid you’re Virch.” Scott laughs at her, but Tessa manages to catch a glimpse of a wave in his voice.

“Well, to be exact, she is Moir. I was using just my name but her full name is Patricia Clair Virtue Moir.”

“Clair for our grandmothers?”

“Yes.” Tessa smiles. When she found out she’s expecting a girl, she had her middle name. It’s not often you happen to have grandmothers who share the names. 

Scott nods. “Well, I have a gingerbread house contest to judge before we can leave.” He waves toward the house. “Are you coming inside?”

“I think it’s for the better if I don’t.” Tessa answers in all honesty. She knows she has to face it one day, but as he said himself, Holiday season is not when it should be, and certainly not a time with kids around.

“And you coming with me little Virch?”

“Not Virch.” They can’t see her face but can hear her frown in her voice without that.

“I think she is.” Tessa answers instead. “Coming with you.” She adds as Patricia lifts her head up ready to protest on the Virch thing again.

“Fine. Go home then and pack, we pick you up” he checks his watch “at four.”

“Great, I’ll see you.”

“Car seat, Scott.” Tessa calls after him when he just turns on his heels and waves her good bye.

“How am I supposed to take a car seat when this one is not willing to walk on her own?”

“Kid in one hand and car seat in the other.” She pats his shoulder and back out quickly once she realizes it, but he doesn’t seem too bothered. “You got this.”

“One suitcase Tessa!” Scott fires back. “One or it’s staying here.”

* * *

“Scott, for god sake where are you.” Charlie speaks before he’s actually in the hallway. “How long do you think we can keep these kids entertained? You might be their favorite uncle but …” He stops the moment he sees him kneeling in front of Patricia, taking her jacket off and giving her a pep talk about all these new people. They thought it’s too soon to meet a whole lot of new people as she barely established in Tessa’s family since their arrival from Berlin and saw Scott just a few times, despite she’s basically hanging on him and feels like she knows him her whole life. That’s certainly helpful and Tessa will never stop being lgrateful for at least showing her his pictures and videos as much as she could in all the mess she created, but another family, especially an extended one, would be too much.

“Well, we have a guest judge.”

Pat reaches her hands up the moment he stands up again. “You can walk by yourself.” Scott pokes her nose, but she shakes the head and keeps reaching for him. “I carried you here. You should stretch these legs.” She bends down, stretches her left leg, then right and reaches up for him again. Scott shakes the head with amusement and picks her up.

Charlie chuckles. “She’s great. You’re great kiddo.” 

“That’s my brother Charlie, bug. Does he look like me?”

“No.” She shakes the head.

“Right, kid. I'm a more handsome one.” Charlie winks at her.

“Daddy handsome.” Pat leans her head against his shoulder.

“That” Charlie raises the finger “is totally corrupted.”

“Oh, look at you, we thought we’re gonna have to send a real search party for both of you.” Charlie’s wife teases them the moment her husband reappears. Alone, because Pat spotted a British kitten Alma got for herself for Christmas and needed to pet it. 

“Well, Scott … or maybe I should say Tessa again … have a surprise. We have a little guest. Objectively, she’s the cutest kid I’ve ever seen.” He patts the shoulders of two of his kids who roll their eyes totally unbothered. “But she’s incredibly shy.”

“She’s not as shy as she’s tired.” Scott enters with the girl on his hip, curled into his body. Alma, who was too consumed in organizing freshly decorated cookies and making sure little ones don’t eat the rest of the frosting, drops the tray. 

“Grandma!” A five-year-old boy, Milo, mutters by her legs. Pat gets startled by the noise and the two oldest girls gushing around her, and buries her face into the crook of Scott’s neck, hands clutching to his neck.

“Okay, enough guys!” Danny takes a word. “Change of plans. We’re going skating _now_!”

“But dad! The contest!” 

“I’m sure Scott will have results till we’re back.”

“Do we have to?” Another child argues.

“Yes, you have to. You were going to skate anyway. You can’t eat sugar and drink sugar all day.”

“I caaan.” A girl with pigtails pops a cookie into her mouth.

“Well, that’s enough Isa.” Danny makes her move by a gentle teasing push into her back and caresses Pat’s back on his way. 

As the building quiten, Pat loses a tight hold on Scott’s neck, lets just her right hand around his neck and her head resting on his shoulder again. “Look at you, pretty girl.” Scott caresses her cheek. “Wanna help me to pick the prettiest gingerbread house? Look at these .. which one do you like the most?” Pat points to the third house from the left immediately. “The sparkly one with little marshmellows on the roof? You’re right, that’s our winner. Who’s second?” By a third place, Pat is giggling around.

“Would you like to decorate a cookie too, sweetheart?” Alma steps in with a tray of cookies of various shapes. Patricia turns her little head up at Scott with a grin, but he shakes the head. “I would prefer if you don’t put frosting onto this pretty dress.” He smashes a kiss on her forehead. “Besides, we have to pick mommy in a bit.” In fact, he chooses to disappoint her now a little than explain to her later she in fact can’t eat those cookies. “But you can get one of these.” He walks them over and reaches into one of the upper cabinets for a small box of cookies his mother makes for him in case he’d have a sweet tooth after all. Every year he claims he doesn’t need any but in fact he pretty much does. Luckily his mother learnt to not listen to her sons when it comes to it.

“Oh, she has…”

“Yeah.” He confirms with a nod.

“Free.” Pat nods at him a few times with seriousness as she’s examining the insides of the box.

“Yup, these are gluten free.” He caresses her cheek. “In fact you can keep them all.”

“You one?” She brings a gingerbread star in front of his mouth.

“This one.” Scott steals a round linzer cookie with a cutted heart in the middle.

Pat grins with a mouth full of cookie she previously offered to him and shakes her head. Some gestures came strong from her mother. Instantly, she almost knocks the box out of his hand. “Luna.”

“Go get her.” Scott sets her down with an affectionate smile and a pat on her back. 

Immediately, she marches toward the dog and if she was just a tad bit bigger, she would tackle her down. Scott thanks his father to bring the dog and watch as Luna is more than happy to let Pat hug her and pretty much crumble her however she wants. Not for the first time he wonders whether she’s able to feel the bond between Pat and him, because usually she doesn’t like to be mangled by kids. She’s a friendly dog and affectionate, but growing up with him in the clinic rin Switzerland away from people, and later in Toronto, she’s not keen on their jovial personality as much. She usually hides in a calm spot. That’s why he better left her in the basement.

“Don’t you better want to sit here by my side?” Scott pats a spot by his left. His other hands securing both his daughter and his dog on his lap.

“Better not.” She shakes the head. 

“Okay.” Scott chuckles and kisses her head.

“When Mommy?”

“We’re gonna go pick her in a little bit.” Scott caresses her cheek.

“Now?” She nuzzles her face into his pullover.

“In a little while.” He pokes her nose. “We need to give her time to pack. We don’t wanna wait, do we?”

“No.” She makes a funny, serious face, then giggles.

“How many suitcases?”

“One, but we’re gonna let her go with two.” Scott winks at her. 

“Where are you going?” Alma raises an eyebrow.

“Toronto.” Pat cheers. “Where daddy lives.”

“Oh.” Already visible wrinkles of concern on her face deepens. 

“Do we a plane to catch?” 

“No, we’re going by car.” Scott dismisses her concerns and turns to his mother. “And yes, mom. I know what I am doing.”

“Long way?” Pat nods.

“We’ll be there before you know. You can nap.” He smoothes some stray hair out of her face. 

“Not nap.” She frowns. 

“You don’t have to.” Scott smiles. It still feels surreal, leading these conversations. A few years back, he was trying to put down his nephew, and gave up without much concern, but It’s doesn’t feel the same in the least.

“I just remembered.” Alma jumps in when Joe returns with a neatly wrapped present with a big blue bow. “That we found this present here, with a label Patricia on it. Do you know any, by a chance?”

Pat inhaled sharply, her eyes shining. “Do you know her?” Scott encourages her.

“Me.” She grins sheepishly. 

“You?” Joe makes a faux surprised whistle. “Then you should open it. See what’s inside.” He hands her a box.

Scott tries to put her down but she miraculously manages to hold on him, hold the box and he suspects somehow even Luna. He chuckles. “I’m right here, bug.” He puts her down again and places her standing between his legs. “You need a space to open it.”

“What’s inside?” She lets him position her as she is and looks up with a grin.

“You try.” Scott hands her an end of the ribbon the paper is tied with. 

“Is it hard or soft?” Alma asks.

“Squishy.” Pat twists the package.

“Mmm. What it could only be.” Alma taps her lower lip.

“Let’s see.” Pat pulls out a Chesire smile. She tears a paper without mercy at two tries. “Elsa!” She squeals.

“It looks like Elsa’s outfit.” Scott unfolds the piece for her to take a better look. It’s a onesie inspired by Elsa’s costume Frozen II. Light blue on coming to dark blue at the bottom, decorated with sparkly ornaments Scott didn’t recognize when he saw it the first time, but Pat apparently did. His oldest niece picked it out with Alma, and apparently it’s so obvious, so much she actually rolled her eyes. 

“On.” Pat reaches for a zipper and wriggles it down.

“We need to get you out of these first.” Scott tugs at her dress. She’s already almost overdressed for the temperature in his parents' house, and he suspects he won’t be able to take it off of her. At the quick move, she pulls her ponytail down and pushes a scrunchie into his hand. Apparently once Elsa, then all out. French braid it is. 

Joe laughs. 

* * *

When Scott pulls in front of Kate’s house, Tessa is already waiting there. “Do duffle bags count?”

Scott rolls the eyes. “Put it into the trunk while I pretend I’m not looking.”

“You grew into such a gentleman outside of my watch.” Tessa chuckles. Immediately hoping she sounds jokingly enough.

“You’re lucky I don't know which of those are Patricia’s.” Scott fires back. “Do you think I live somewhere creepy without electricity or what?”

Tessa giggles despite herself. “After I saw your cottage? No.”

“Good, because I don’t.” He throws her a key. 

Tessa stops herself in time from raising the eyebrows, it honestly surprised her he lets her drive. Especially after her brief talk with Jordan. She felt guilty she’s making him sit in the car and worse, driving in such weather, but he feels weirdly fine. “You let me drive?”

“Till that exit with the gas station. Need a refill.”

“Jordan said you’re not comfortable letting others drive you?” She might could check in a bit smoother, but here she is.

“Well, I know you can drive. Also there’s Patricia in the car. I guess you’d do anything to drive safely.” 

Tessa nods. She’d do anything to drive either of them safe and the fact he trusts her with that, even indirectly, warms her heart. “Why isn’t she spying at me from the window?” She peers inside. Usually she does her best to see outside when waiting, or pats the window at least.

“She’s asleep.” Scott opens the door and sits down to make her move. She realizes he likely wants to have this done as soon as possible, so she supplies too. 

“How was she with your family?” It didn’t click her until after pulling out back in London, that she’s never seen the family before. 

“Extremely clingy.” Scott turns on the radio and flips in on a random radio station playing songs. “But fine otherwise. Danny took the gang out. It was just mom and dad in there.

“She got a present I see.” Tessa checks the girl in a river-view mirror.

“Yeah. It’s this Frozen thing onesie as I was told. All I know is it’s twice bigger than her.” Scott chuckles. It indeed is. It says 3-5, but it looks like a rugby player and boxer’s 3-5 year old, not two figure skaters’.

“You have never seen Frozen?” 

“Oh I did. Abby and Stella made me when I couldn’t argue much.” Even when watching the road, she can see him shaking the head. “Also about two dozens of Cinderellas, Beauty and the Beast, Brave, and how is this long blond haired princess locked in the tower movie called?”

“Tangled.” Tessa smirks instead of chuckle in amusement.

“Yep, this one.” Scott grimaces. “And, um, I’m supposed to tell you, and I cite” He opens the message on his cellphone. “I’ve always known you and Tessa would have the most adorable babies. Tell Tessa hi.” 

Tessa wants to laugh, but feels how hard it is for him, so she doesn’t. “Alex?” 

“Abby.”

“Tell her hi back.” Tessa thinks of how much these girls had to grow up since she last saw them, how some of them she abandoned, too ...and secretly how she wished it was Alex. She’s not surprised she’s not, though. The girl was always closest to her. Closer than her own nieces. She reminds her of herself so much. When she left Scott, she left her too. Except if he couldn’t understand it, in her 11, she hardly could. 

“Alex doesn’t wanna hear of you.” He once again after a long time reads her thoughts.

“I figured.” She sighs.

* * *

“I know you want to ask something, Tessa. Just ask.” Scott spits out on the highway, halfway to Toronto. They spent the first 20 minutes after they switched in driving organizing the itinerary of necessities to do, mostly shop before it’s closed, and since then he concentrates on driving, flicking radio stations occasionally, and she’s watching out of the window or checking sleeping Pat in the mirror.

“Um …” She blushes, albeit it feels good knowing he still knows her and is also thinking of her. “What happened with your beloved sports cars?”

“Um.” He starts the same as she does, though for different reasons. “Well.” He weighs the words. Before he finds them, she already guessed the answer. “Since the accident I kind of struggle to feel safe.”

“It was a sports car?”

“I don’t want to talk about when I’m driving. Or in the car.” Tessa kicks herself when she sees him gripping the wheel tighter. _At least he didn’t say or anytime._

“I’m sorry. I should have figured.”

“You didn’t google it?” He asks tentatively.

“I did. Briefly.” He nods and because he looks even more unreadable than he usually does, she continues further. “It didn’t feel right.”

Scott turns left and heads toward Starbucks. To her relief, he looks frankly satisfied with her answer. “You missed Tims exit.”

“Starbucks has a better Holiday season anyway.”

“Since?”

“Since I don’t have anyone who forces me to stop at Tims with a faux excuse it’s more Canadian when truly the only reason is timbits.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They both hide their respective smiles. Scott stays mostly silent the rest of the drive but for the first drive since their said reunion, Tessa has a feeling it might not be completely lost after all.

* * *

“Why on earth didn’t you buy a house for that price?” It slips her tongue before she manages to think. He’s always wanted a house. Or at least pretended he did. 

“Geez, Tessa. Let me remind you it’s not polite to question people's living situation when they invite you to their homes!”

“Sorry.” She turns crimson. “It’s just, I’d never guess you for such a place.”

“Thank, I guess.”

“Do you have a housekeeper?”

“No.” Scott rolls the eyes with amusement. “I don’t have a housekeeper.” 

“I’m sure you could have one.” Tessa keeps talking. In a place like this one, you definitely can have a housekeeper. Maybe even tax included. “Shit, I left a wallet in the car.”

Scott rolls the eyes. Pat rolls the eyes, too, in her child way. Both from different reasons. “Can you believe Pats, that people think I am the scatterbrained one?” He throws her the keys. The girl giggles.

“Hello Bruce.” Scott greets a receptionist. “On duty again?”

“Good Evening, Scott. You know how it goes, old dogs take Holidays. What do you do here? I thought you’re spending Christmas down in Ilderton with your family.” Older man behind the reception desk greets him back warmly. “May I be to your help?”

“Actually, yes.” He picks Patricia up from the floor. “I need you to add this one and Ms. Virtue who can’t take her belongings from the car at one try for once,” he looks behind his shoulder whether she’s coming “into the system.”

Tessa rolls the eyes. She forgot her wallet. And what. _She might have forgotten it the very last time she was in the car with him as well, and those times before that too, but it’s not like it’s a habit or something, is it?_ “Good evening, Mister. Happy Holidays.” 

“You live in a hotel daddy? Or what?” Pat asks with a grin. “Or what?” She asks again and squirms as Scott tickles her.

“What gives you such an impression?” Scott kisses her nose with a laugh. Her _“or what”_ is killing him. It’s the third time he hears it in a day. Apparently she heard it in preschool. 

“Reception.” She points to the desk. “Coffee.” Her finger moves to a nearby café in the hall.

“You’re right. It looks like a hotel a bit.” He sets her back down. “You can go over there at the café and order hot chocolate on me.”

“Hot chocolate on me?” She looks 100% confused on what to do. 

“Hot chocolate on Scott Moir.” He’s certain Diana, by coincidence Bruce’s wife, running the café already heard him and is half way up preparing it. 

“I am sorry, Scott, but I am afraid I can’t add the ladies into the fingerprint system or get you another coded card until after Boxing day. The security technician is off duty.” 

“What’s the options, then?” 

“Well, since I suppose a little one will always go with either of you, the easiest way is for you to sign the papers allowing Ms. Virtue using your card and I’ll bring it from the safe.” The man shrugs with apology he can’t offer more. 

“Great.” Scott nods.

Bruce prints the papers and points to places for signature when Pat marches back with a roguish smile. “Smallows?” 

“Smallows?” Scott looks down in confusion.

“Can I smallows?” She lifts her left hand and turns it palms up.

Scott looks at Tessa in loss for understanding. “Marshmallows?” She’s not completely sure herself, but Patricia nods with her teeth on display. 

It’s Tessa’s place to look at Scott in question. “Well, we’ll have to look. Some so, some not.” He hands Tessa a pen to add her own signature and takes the girl's hand. 

Scott flashes a worried barista friendly smile and asks for a package, explaining her issue, and repeats for a dozen times it indeed is not an issue, luckily for him, or all of them, the package indeed includes corn. “Just this little much.” Pat pleads, holding two fingers out. 

“This little much?” Scott raises an eyebrow in amusement. 

“Can I? Can I, daddy?” She throws her arms around his legs if it can help her. It most likely can in any other situation. 

“You can.” He ruffles her hair. She catches his hand and fake frowns at him, while laughing.

“Where do we sleep?” Pat spins around with arms spread wide to look around the place. 

“Well, mommy sleeps here.” Scott points the room on his left but before he lifts the hand up, Pat is in the door peaking in. 

“You’ve window, mommy.” Pat announces.

Tessa chuckles. It never ceases to amaze her, what her child can come up with. “Oh, do I?” 

Pat peeks into the room more without opening it, then turns around to look at her parents. “Me with you.” She hugs Scott’s leg.

“You can be with me, but I think you might like to sleep here.” He points to the nearby door. Scott whispers toward Tessa’s direction that he swears the guest room looks nice as Pat marches toward the door. She makes a sharp stop there she almost collides with the door. 

Scott smiles at Pat as he’s encouraging her to go in, but Tessa can tell he’s nervous. He told her earlier in the car that he made a room for Patricia so she can stay sometime, and he sounded resolute, but now judged by his fingers tapping against the tights tells her he’s fighting the nerves. He might have changed but his body language did not. She could tell from the way he spoke, he most likely made a room soon after he met her, as a way of coming to terms with that, and maybe when he couldn’t sleep, but building it and actually seeing the child in it is two different things. She knows. 

Pat opens the door and stays silent for a few beats, Tessa can see an actual fear breaks through Scott’s facade, dread in his eyes she might not like it, it’s so intense she’s worried for him as well, but when Pat takes a step to peer inside, she knows she’s thrilled. Patricia’s eyes grow wide and when she steps in with a squeal. “It’s fairy’s room!”

Relief washes over Scott’s face, even his posture relaxes. Pat takes a speedy tour around the room. Quickly opens the wardrobe and makes an excited gush to see pieces of clothes in there. “You have a fairy, daddy?”

“Yeah, I have one.” He makes a quick move to catch her and pick her up into his arms. He’ll never get enough of her leaning into him every single time. It’s a love he never thought is possible. 

“What’s her name?” Pat grins cheesily.

“What do you think?” Scott pecks a kiss on her forehead.

She put her finger on her cheek and tap a few times. It’s adorable. “Tooth fairy?” She tries.

“You’re my little fairy.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes. You’re my only fairy and you’ll always have a room here.” There are tears in his eyes as his forehead presses against her little one, despite the girl has nothing of the significance of the statement he just made. Scott sets her down and let her explore the room properly.

There’s a proper white queen size bed with delicate canopy from all sides, possible to open and close, with the softest flowery beddings and a lot of pillows. Tessa already can see them scattered around as Pat often sleeps without one, despite always demanding many. In the morning she often finds them around the bed. _She smiles._

Two of the walls are light gray shade and there are details in the pastel colors everywhere. Pat immediately gushes about a wooden doll house and quickly tries out her pink indoor egg swing, before she rummages through the clothes in her closet, a few pieces from each, except for a lineup of cute dresses she has no doubts he lets her wear inside whenever she wants. There’s just enough toys, white table with a comfortable teal chair just right for her height, fairy lights, pictures, thick warmly looking pastel teal black out curtains hanging around a large window. Everything a little girl can dream of. Even a chalkboard. 

Tessa can't contain her emotions any longer. Not only has her daughter the first ever proper room besides nursery, but seeing her with the man she … still loves and most likely always will is filling her with emotions she can’t even point apart. It’s so deep feeling of love for the two people she would trade her own life for if she’ll have to, stained with heavy pain, which never allows her to feel fully happy and haunts her in her sleep. In a brief moment of weakness she lost herself, she throws her arms around Scott and buries her face into his chest.

There were times when he’d hold her against him and bury his other hand into her hair, but those are gone and she’s glad he doesn’t push her away. When she realizes what she’s done she wants to let go but at the exact same moment his hand finds a tentative spot on her back. It’s light but conforming, yet devastating because as she takes him in, she knows it might be the last time. If he’s not there, she can’t keep crossing lines. 

“Do you know there are beds with a slide?” Scott asks when she pulls away, without a flourish obviously skipping the situation, but she gladly lets him. “I thought It’s super cool at first but then I realized she might be sliding down when I am asleep …” He makes a face telling her he’s death serious. “I spoke with Danny and he said he won’t risk it since she’s my child.” 

Tessa chuckles. Half way he is right, and half way he spoke with Danny. “So you better made her her own bathroom?” 

“Well, as you figured, I don’t have a room without one, aaand .. I’m gonna lock it when I’m not around till she’s old enough.” 

“Where is the bathroom?” Their adorable, grinning child pushes into their legs with an excitement Tessa saw for the last time at his cottage, when she kept running around the place and to their dismay, up and down the stairs. 

She’s a happy child, spontaneous, but there’s something in her and him combined, which makes her full. Tessa tried hard not to see, or better yet, not to admit it, but it was predictable.

Trully, one of the reasons why she was able to come to terms of never seeing him again, and the only one she wasn’t willing to admit until earlier today, when Pat screamed and wouldn't calm down until in his arms, was their similarities. As long as she has Pat, she has a part of him with her. She’s so similar to him, that she could sometimes almost feel him around. 

She had a proof of the love of her life forever with her, and she could live with that. 

When they open Pat’s bathroom door, her little lips create an “o” and before they catch up, her onesie is unzipped and she’s pulling her shirt off. Putting her down for sleep might not be so hard today after all.

* * *

When Tessa went to her room for a night to bring back a book they are currently reading with Pat, she doesn’t expect to come back to Scott laying in bed too, chatting about the merits of rainbow hair of unicorns. 

“Mommy.” Pat cuts her out of her thoughts with her sweetest, a little mischievous tone in her voice.

“What, bug?” She gives her an easy, loving smile. Patricia pats a place by her side for her to climb in too. She hesitates. Scott picked an arguably monstrous bed for a little girl (he expressed a slight worry he fucked up earlier, but he also that he’d be thrilled to have such a bed when a little boy), but it feels way too intimate to their current stage. It is in her comfort zone, in fact it might be her comfort zone, but she doubts it’s his.

“There’s a room, Virch.” He gives her the answer she needs, but when she’s about to climb in, Pat throws herself against her to stop her. “You brushed?” She places her palms on her cheeks.

“No.” Tessa laughs.

“Brush.” Pat holds her hands against her chest now to prevent her from climbing in with a funny sassy smirk.

“I might still eat something, bug.” Tessa tickles her armpits which makes her squeals and squirms away.

“You brushed?” Pat points her little finger at Scott and when he confirms, she looks at Tessa again with a waiting victorious expression.

“Scott, I…” She doesn’t even start yet properly. “In the first drawer on the left in your room.” 

Tessa nods, gets up and then stops again. “Do you always carry spare toothbrushes here?” She knows he’s using an electric toothbrush, because she ran into him once in Whistler. Or, he ran into her, because who brushes their teeth while walking around the house. _She’s not sure why she's asking anyway._

“Just when I know I have a guest who forgot them most of the time.” He lifts the eyebrow. “Seriously, Tessa. You're a 33 year old woman, with a 3-year-old child, who used to pack her whole life around for more than a decade, yet you’re still 12.” He shakes the head but it’s playful. 

“Well, by chance, don’t you store a make-up remover for these cases as well?” She blushes. She almost accuses him it’s his fault because he forced to pack lightly, but firstly she didn’t, and secondary she can’t, besides she would forget it anyway. 

“By the toothbrush.” He doesn’t manage to beat the urge to roll the eyes.

When she opens the cabinet, she realizes right and clear he bought it earlier when she waited in the car with sleeping Pat. She’s using a different line of the same brand now, but it's the same bottle she’s been using until she left. It fills her with a strong, strange feeling of loss, mixed with something she can’t quite pinpoint.

“Soo.” Tessa comes back and assures her fun-having daughter that her teeth are perfectly brushed. “Did you figure why the unicorns have colorful hair?” She stole an unicorn plushy pillow from Pat’s lap. 

“They want to be pretty.” Scott answers with a shrug.

“That easy?” Tessa laughs.

“Mm.” Pat grins. “Pretty.”

“Who is going to read?” Tessa asks, holding the book out.

“You.” Pat shimmies to give her a sloppy kiss and then snuggles into Scott’s side.

“What are we reading?” Scott asks.

“The Gruffalo.” Tessa answers and smiles for herself a little as she sees Pat covering Scott’s mouth. 

It only takes a few pages and the girl is asleep, almost laying on top of Scott, holding her pink lama.

“I think you’re sleeping in the princess bed today.” Tessa chuckles. 

“You didn’t know it was always my dream?” Scott raises an eyebrow at that.

“Oh, too bad I didn’t! I would have given you a canopy years ago!”

“Mommy?”

“I’m here, darling.” Tessa uses her other hand to caress her daughter's hair. Pat grabs it and squeezes it against her body as her plushie.

“Well, it seems like we both are sleeping in the princess bed.” Scott states as he ends up with Patricia and Tessa’s hand on his chest.

Tessa panics as she realizes her whole forearm is now laying on him. “I’m sorry.” She mutters quickly and tries to loosen Pat’s hold.

“Tess.” He stops her. “I was used to you have your hands all over me for two decades .. well, maybe like 15 years out of that, but you see the point.. I think I can handle your hand on my chest until she falls deep asleep.”

“Okay.” She nods. It takes her a while to relax, having a hand on his chest and not be allowed to run her fingers over it is a hard task to get over. Eventually it’s her phone which disturbs her when she does. She grimaces. If it’s gonna wake Pat up she’s gonna be furious, really. Having a light sleeper on Christmas Eve truly is a nightmare. “It’s Jordan.” She offers. “Apparently she can’t reach you.”

“I left my phone in the bedroom.” Scott answers as she tries to turn on a silence mode in a haste as another message arrives. “Everything Ok?”

“No. She’s driving to Toronto …”

“She what?” Scott slightly it up and quickly lies back again, caresses Pat’s back in reassurance and apology. “The roads were a nightmare when we went. We’re fine on our own.”

“...not to us, to see this guy Jonathan. We are supposed to cover if mom asks.”

“Oh ...”

“Scott, who is he?” Tessa takes a breath. It’s a sad thing she doesn’t know herself but really her single life choice being her tons of others. 

“You don’t know who is the guy your sister used to date for years?” His forehead creases. She blushes in embarrassment. _She should know._

“Um, _that_ Jonathan?”

“Yes, _that_ Jonathan.” Scott looks at her as if it should be her answer, but it doesn’t tell her much more than the name. 

“What’s up with him?”

“It’s Jordan’s decision to tell you, I guess.” He shrugs.

“Scott, my very pregnant sister is in the car on a very icy road to see a guy she, as far as I am aware, had to break up with a long time ago. Tell me what the fuck is going on…”

“Sssh.” They both caress Pat’s back immediately, because naturally she woke her up. The girl finds a new spot and falls asleep again immediately. 

“Okay. As far as I know, they are kind of seeing each other for the last few months … casually."

“Do you wanna tell me she’s escaping family Christmas and making everyone scared for a booty call from her ex?” She looks after her volume this time.

“Well, no. It’s more complicated than that.”

“Listen Scott, I get you hate me but-”

“I don’t hate you, Tessa.”

“Why?” Is it a bad thing asking someone why don’t they hate you? Because she totally thinks he should hate her.

“We’re not gonna discuss that in our daughter's bed.”

“Put her down, then.” 

“That would be easier done if you or your phone wouldn’t be constantly waking her up.”

Tessa sighs. “Can you, please, give me a frame of what is going on? I need to know...”

Scott watches her a while, and eventually has to find an answer he was looking for, because he sighs. “Well, first, text Jordan to call us when she gets there and let her know we're here whatever she might need.”

“Done.” She waves.

“So, how much do you know about Jonathan?”

“They used to date, they broke things off and she gave up waiting for the right guy and did IVF on her own.”

“Well, that’s not the whole truth.” Scott runs his left hand over his face. “They used to date for like, 3 years maybe. Pretty seriously. They didn’t want to have kids but then Jordan was told by the doctor there are some changes and she basically has a last chance to have one and she realized she wanted it but he didn’t. She was on IVF but the child is his. After a few months they kind of started seeing each other again at a slow pace. I think he truly wants them both back, but Jordan is cautious for the baby."

“He left her after she’s started with IVF?”

“More like he gave her sperm to do so as a goodbye. But it’s not up to me to give you the details. I don’t know much more anyway.” She somehow suspects he does, but chose not to argue. “They said in the radio broadcast that his mother passed away, so guess that’s the reason for her way.”

“In the radio?”

“Blake Kendricks, Tess. We even had dinner with her after winning in Vancouver.”

“Oh … Jordan said he’s a fellow lawyer not a socialite.”

“I think he is.” Scott shrugs. “A lawyer.”

“Why are we covering in front of mom?”

“Ehm, I guess she’s not aware they are seeing each other again. She was very vocal of what she thinks of him when they broke up due to a disagreement on kids. And as far as I know she doesn’t know the baby is technically his either.”

“You’re close friends.”

“And nothing else.” Scott chuckles.

“She told you, didn’t she?” Tessa’s cheeks heat up.

“You can’t blame her.” 

“I wouldn’t mind, though.” Tessa shrugs and hopes she sounds at least mostly convincing.

“You know, you still have this thing on your forehead when you’re trying to convince me of something you don’t believe in.” 

“I don’t.” She frowns.

“Yes, you do.” Scott reaches out to place his palm with deep concentration on the side of her face and gently touches a spot on her forehead with his thumb, then pulls away.

“Okay, Scott. I would mind you dating my sister, but you deserve to be happy.” What she doesn’t say is that she can’t make him. Instead, she untangles her hand from Pat and quickly leaves. 

“I’m sorry.” Scott enters her room and offers her a glass of red wine. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why are you not mad at me?” Tessa asks again. She’ll ask for the third time if he doesn’t give her the answer.

“How would I help myself if I was?” Scott smiles. “I gave you everything I could and it wasn’t enough, Tess. You didn’t have to destroy me like this to tell me the truth but I’ve spent long enough time pitying myself and destroying my life too. I’m over.”

“Does that mean you didn’t want to see me again?” She wouldn’t blame him of he didn’t. Frankly, she would be surprised if he did.

“I wouldn’t say I didn’t want to, but I came to terms I won’t. So the fact that you’re here with a hidden child and don’t want to see me? Well, I figured since I was half step from death and you didn’t show up.”

“I honestly didn’t know about the accident, Scott, I-”

“I know, but you push me away that much that you didn’t.” Scott clicks their glasses together. “And I’ve spent years replaying that day but didn’t figure out anything I possibly did wrong … well, except knock you up, I guess.”

“You didn’t knock me up, for the start.”

“Well, I guess you didn’t sleep with my brother...”

“No, but you didn’t knock me up, because it wasn’t an accident. Or … at least not from your side.”

“So you _planned_ this all along?” His voice turns an octave higher.

“No!” She matches the tone. “I messed up the dates and I wasn’t on birth control when I told you I am.”

“And what? I loved you, Tessa. I would have stood by you no matter what you’d choose to do with that baby and you knew that …”

“I didn’t!”

“Oh c’mon. I did the same thing when you thought you might be pregnant with Jasper a summer before Sochi, you don’t want to pretend you doubted I would do the same about my own possible child, do you?”

“Fine, you’re right! I knew you would, that’s why I did it. I wanted to give you your own choice …” She gets this defensive tone she would slap herself for. It’s just one think wanting to tell the truth, and hear it from him.

“So losing my career, best friend and love of my life at once was my choice? Finding out I have the only child I will ever have when she is a grown up girl?”

“I know it didn’t lend well…” It’s like everything which left her mouth doesn’t lend well.

“It didn’t lend well?” He chuckles dryly. “ I don’t know why I expect at least “I am sorry” instead of turning it all against me.” He makes a pause. “You know what, save it. I don’t care anymore. All I want from you is custody agreement.”

“Scott! Wait!” She stops him from leaving.

“For what? For a story you didn’t care about at least making up till now?”

“For the truth.”

“The truth? About how you had tough years and did all this for me? Or the truth, how you broke every reminding bone in my body when you didn’t come?”

“I told you I didn’t know!” _Twice._

“And I believe you but don’t care! It’s your fault anyway! I can get over you leaving me, not wanting me to be part of our child’s life ….. but can you imagine waking up in pain, when you think you’re dying, to the cries of a woman who you considered as your second mother that she tries everything in her power to make you come, thinking it might be yet another nightmare you’re stuck in only to find out that one is true? Till then I thought you just needed a breather from the pressure we found ourselves in and me and will come back eventually …but that you’d not even come to say the last good bye?”

“Did you really think you’re going to die?” Tessa stops her mind track as her veins run cold. 

“Yes.” Scott’s head falls back against the wall. “And that sentence of your mother is the first non-fragment thing I remember.”

Tessa does the last think he possibly expected when she stands up from the bed and offers him her hand. “How much time do you have?” He stays looking at her bewildered and doesn’t move an inch. “C’mon, Moir. Even your original bones weren't made for long sitting on the floor.”

“My fake bones are great.” He mutters but gets up anyway. Tessa thought they’re going to move to the living room but his eyes obviously land on the bed. “You’re going on a date?”

“What?” She ends up totally confused. Not only she didn’t think about dates for a horizont of years, but he also jumped about 10 miles in their conversation. 

Scott picks up a skinny black high waist pants and a silver top, one of a few pieces she packed with and lays on the bed to choose from for tomorrow. “I mean, I don’t mind if you do, but it would be great to know...”

“I don’t have a date and I don’t plan one anytime soon.” Not that she doesn’t have options, but no matter how much she tries, there is the only one invitation she would take.

“I have no interest in dating your sister.” Scott counters, still looking at the clothes in his hands with a scrunched confused face. “Who do you want to impress, then?”

“I don’t know, you?” Not that she planned to impress him, directly, but she did want to look good. _And she might overtopped._ _A bit._

“We’re way past a first date stage … besides I saw you in sweaty leotard and period blood stained leggings.”

Tessa chuckles involuntarily. Bringing up her teenage nightmare… but great, it might be fair. “Did you have to bring that one out?”

“Do you know I was actually worried about you? You were all blood and then didn’t speak with me for a week.”

“How did you even find out?” She’s fairly certain Marina didn’t tell him, because in these cases he doubled her awkwardness. Not that she blame him, she only have to suffer through save sex once and wanted to pass away or covers to celibacy.

“Tanith told me.” It almost catches her off guard, because every prior time she asked he shook her off with various versions of protecting his source. All that time she thought it was Meryl, but now when she knows it was Tanith, it makes sense. 

“Anyway.” Tessa shakes the head. Now is not the time to talk about possibly the most embarrassing moment of her life. Especially when there is something she is embarrassed more about just in the reach. She gestures for him to sit down before he manages to second guess his decision. _Or she hers._ “Are you going to sit with my clothes?” She looks at him funny, because he most likely forgot he’s holding it.

“I’m not wearing a tie for you tomorrow.”

“But you’re wearing a button up for your daughter."

Scott rolls the eyes and falls down on the bed with a huff. “Are you going to pester me about my wardrobe choices before I make them, on top of unlikely ones,” After all she has to give him a point, because while he often prefers nice but comfortable sports gear _(or at least did, he wore a different coat whenever she saw him now)_ , he knows how to dress appropriately based on the occasions and always did. “or actually tell me why did you stop me?” Scott lifts the eyebrow in the end, surprisingly open looking again, so she takes her chance. 

“I know it sounds incredulous but I never planned for this to happen. When we said each other goodbye at the airport, I meant it.”

“You didn’t know at the time and in like 16 hours you were gone?” Scott looks far from believing her a word but she can’t blame him.

“I was gone in 6 to be exact. I had this appointment with my doctor, which you knew about, and...”

“and she told you you’re pregnant.” He finishes for her when she makes a pause.

“Yes, and I panicked. I booked a first flight far away and got on board. I didn’t want our lives to change, I didn’t want your life to change, I made myself doubt everything. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to keep that baby. I suddenly wasn’t sure whether you want me or your ex back.” She shrugs apologetically, tears staining her cheeks.

“Did you seriously think that I might want my ex whose pictures with a dick of someone else in her in the elevator spread North America not long before the Games instead of you?”

Tessa nods. “And I am ashamed of that. I knew she texted you” he told her that himself “and I thought that maybe … you know, I was about to change your life in a direction you didn’t ask for.”

“Tessa, you knew I was in love with you for years, only pretended to ignore it for both of our sakes and you also knew I wanted kids, even if not necessarily at the time…”

“I know.” She looks up at him. “I know it doesn’t make sense. I left on an impulse….” She takes a longer pause before she speaks again, because admitting that sentence is now with the face of their daughter in front of her eyes extremely hard. “I didn’t know whether I wanted to keep the baby. I didn’t know whether you would like to. I know” she sobs harder “that I could assume, but I couldn’t think straight at the time. I saw a label on my suitcase and got the idea, I booked the flight and got on board. I wanted to come back in a while but when I got there, I felt like you have to know what I did and would only take me back because I am pregnant and you’re a good man. I thought that if I came back with a baby then I’d at least have something to give you to forgive me.

“Hold on.” Scott shifts in his position so much that it makes her question what he is up to, only to realize he’s distracting himself to earn time. “How does coming back pregnant possibly feel worse than disappearing for months and coming back with an infant?”

“It did.” Now when she thinks of it, it really doesn’t, especially given that she wasn’t showing at least another 2 months after what and that only was for a very bright eye who knew her exact body shape like his did. “But then she was born and I don't even remember it and she was one.” She smiles but it’s a painful smile. “I realized I missed almost 2 years and there was no way back. I knew I missed all my chances and I also knew you’re this wonderful guy and there’s no way you could possibly stay single that long. From what I knew you could start a family till then and I didn't want to ruin it.” 

Tessa’s eyes find his hand and for a second she wanna take it, he’d most likely let her but as it almost unnoticeably flinched toward his body by his first instinct, she lets the idea go. “All these years I convinced myself that you are happy. I could almost close my eyes and see you with two little kids running around the backyard of a nice big house, with a big dog you’ve always dreamt of, while your lovely wife is calling you over for a tray of fresh cookies I could never make. I wanted to believe it so bad. I really thought you have it all. Family. Thriving as a coach. I convinced myself you don’t need me, that you’re better without us. I didn’t want to ruin what you’ve established without us. I couldn’t imagine I might be wrong. And I couldn’t let anyone bring you up” she makes a stop to wipe at her eyes “because then that illusion might break. I am so sorry.”

Tessa can watch first hand how he struggles to believe her. She doesn't blame him, but it’s ripping her apart. She told him the truth. The only one. She knows that. She made herself believe so many things but the truth feels different. It’s like opening the grounded soul and giving it on display for anyone to decide whether it’s ever coming back. Expect that _anyone_ can only be him. 

“You don’t believe me, do you?” 

Scott rubs his palm through his face. “Do you realize how it sounds? You were led by an impulse but not even 24 hours later even your mother wouldn’t tell me where you were. You did it for me in the end yet you’re rude to me since we met again. You throw yourself on me one moment, and then on the first occasion we become somehow normal selves and I do what we’ve been doing since the 2000s, you run away. It has no sense.”

When he serves it like that, it really doesn’t. She has to give him a point. “It doesn’t make sense, yeah.”

“And?” Scott looks at her expectandly, but she has no idea what he’s expecting. “You have to tell me what you want, Tessa. I am trying here, but I need to know what I am trying. Besides it’s near impossible, I can’t guess.”

“What do you want?” Tessa asks back, despite she’s guessing he won’t let her get out of this one. 

“You are not throwing this at me.” Scott answers exactly the way she expected, except she can’t truly tell him what she wants. Take back time? Pretends like it never happened? Maybe another chance despite all that? Whatever he is willing to give her? No, that is not what she can say to him now and there. 

“You to forgive me?”

“I forgave you a long time ago.”

“No, you didn’t.” It isn’t a smart thing arguing with someone about forgiveness, is it? “You might change and you are using your media training on me, but I can tell you’re hurt.” 

“And that’s two different things.” Scott stops playing with a corner of the blanket and fully looks at her. “I forgave you to move on, in therapy, and it didn’t change now when I know what I was forgiving, but you can’t possibly expect me not to be hurt at the moment.”

“Will you ever not be hurt?”

“Virch, when you broke your forearm in third grade, what did it take to not hurt?” He raises an eyebrow. 

Tessa knows she’s being obtuse, but she can’t help it. “Cast?”

“And?” She has to look really slow to catch up because he rolls the eyes. “Time.”

“Oh.”

“You can’t expect miracles overnight. It also doesn’t change what I asked. What do you want?”

“I feel like it’s my fault but I am not sure what you wanna hear.” Tessa knows she’s half dodging it, but she’s also honestly unsure of where exactly he’s heading and she better chose not to overstep or put him or herself into yet another awkward position.

Scott sighs. “There are only two options. You either want to stay as far from each other as possible, meet up at handouts, Patricia’s events, birthdays and other necessities in polite manners, or you wanna try and be at least friends. Hang out the three of us together sometime, talk with a glass of wine instead of over the phone or e-mail, and I don’t know, teach her swimming together.” 

“She’s already learning how to swim.” 

Scott rolls the eyes. “And she’s not very good at that.” Obviously, her lessons mostly consist of becoming friends with water safely.. “But okay. Riding a bike. Skiing.” 

“Neither of us can ski properly.” A small smile appears on Tessa’s lips. The corner of her mouth twitches. She really is glad there is that option. And she’s also aware he purposely skipped skating. 

“Mind you, I ski just fine. But I also got not so nice recommendations doing so.” He shrugs.

“How do you really are? I mean, after the accident.” 

“Well, great. I have some titanium inside, but I can mostly do whatever I want. It needs a lot of compensation work and exercises, but it’s not something I am not used to, eh... “ Scott answers honestly. He’s not sure whether he’d be able to lift her, but that’s not on his mind now.

Tessa nods. She did her research on such injury _(likely more than she should given it’s never the same)_ , she has also pestered various family members about telling her some truth outcomes, but in the end she ends up with empty hands and more worry than before.

“It’d be nice if we could work together as parents.” Tessa answers eventually, when she gets the idea he will stand her out until she gives him a clear as day answer. “We can hire her a tutor and watch her skiing with a cup of tea”

Scott nods tentatively. She’s filled with understanding. She herself is worried it’s too good of an outcome to actually be true. A few minutes ago, everything was painful and blurry. She’s also aware it’s not her who is afraid of reality more. “I have something for you, actually." Tessa finds the moment idea for a paper she has hidden in her purse. She wasn’t sure she’s gonna use it. Jordan warned her it might get through as a flat, meaningless grand gesture, but she feels the moment right.

“It’s not Christmas, yet.”

“It’s not for Christmas.” Tessa hands him an envelope with folded papers.”It’s a legal copy of Pat’s birth certificate I thought you might like to have and a custody agreement saying she can’t leave Ontario without your consent.” His hands start trembling lightly as he unfolds it. “You just need to sign it.” Tessa hands him a pen as well. “I know you don’t trust me at the moment and I don’t blame you, so …” 

Scott puts a signature side by side with her’s, then folds it again and put into the envelope carefully, then opens the birthday certificate. He traces the finger around her name and watches his own at the spot for father. Tessa’s not fully aware how it happens, but she is squished in his arms, he’s squeezing her so hard and sobbing she’s afraid she might actually have bruises tomorrow, but it’s the last thing she cares about. She squeezes him just as tightly back. It’s Tessa’s stomach which eventually pulls them apart. Scott pulls away with a light chuckle and yet another apology. 

It might take a while till he gets comfortable to be free around her again, and be stiff when she touches him and afraid and sorry when he does, but it’s all right. For the first time in a long time, there is a real, almost touchable hope. Hope it all can be right again, in whatever form he let her.

“You didn’t have dinner.” Scott comments. 

“You didn't have dinner either.” 

“Shit.” It’s true. Patricia had a cake and hot chocolate with smallows from the café instead, and they filled their own food away playing with her after that. “Let’s grab some.”

“Are you cooking?”

“Are you cooking tomorrow?” Scott arches an eyebrow.

“You don’t think I am able to handle it, do you?” Tessa crosses her hands over her chest and smirks.

“Do you think I would let you screw up Christmas dinner?”

Most likely not. Tessa chuckles for herself. It wouldn’t be too bad if he has to rescue her, though. “You guys are easy. As long as you get your steak, you’re happy. If I roast the potatoes and throw some rosemary in, I’m a star.”

“You could go a little fancier.” Scott gets up from the bed with a teasing smirk. “And seriously, don’t wear any of this.”

Tessa rolls the eyes. What it is with him being so opinionated about her clothes now. She had to force him into giving her an opinion before, and he usually ends it up with a compliment in various ways. He sometimes had an input in their costumes, but in a way of an image he wants to create, fabrics, how the costumes look on the ice, what it’s missing and such, not telling her to wear or not to wear certain things off the ice. “Are you coming?” Scott calls after her from the hallway. Tessa shakes the head. Of course she got caught in herself. 

“Are you going to make pasta with tomato sauce?”

“Tomato sauce?” Scott looks at her funny. “Out of all things you could come up with, you picked a seasoned can of chopped tomatoes?

“What? It’s not my fault men do the best tomato sauce.” Tessa shrugs. She tried to recreate his sauce, really. She even thinks she knows all the herbs he’s putting into, yet it’s never the same. 

“I’m sure you wouldn’t have a problem finding yourself one for that.” Scott pushes into her back to make her move. 

“I don’t need a man when I have you. Again.” She pushes her luck there but it feels great. In one way, in the other, she wanna slap her mouth. Too soon. Scott rolls the eyes and keeps actively pushing her forward toward the kitchen. “Do you have cheese?” She angles her head up over her shoulder toward him with a grin.

“Everyone has cheese in their fridge, Tessa.” Scott chuckles. It’s heavy, but honest and not completely hostile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? I hope this long chapter was nice surprise after such hiatus. Make sure to let me know everything you thought of! I tried to convey a lot into this chapter, but mostly I wanted to really make everyone's heads and theirs spiraling. I hope it got through. This fic is really important for me because it's such a challenge, so different from what I usualy write. I love it so much. 
> 
> I am looking forward to every one of you who still came by. Thank you so much for your time spent on this storry. Take care of yourself and be strong! 
> 
> PS: I can't promise you more than that I am working on updates, and I trully have the most from both tennis and twins fic. I miss my little worlds and I hope things will get less hectic and there will be more time to write soon. I think I need it, too!


	7. Postponed Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Tessa is woken up by a soft chatter and sweet giggles and it takes her a while to realize where she is. 

In her little girl’s room. In Scott’s apartment. In the egg swing she fell asleep in after their heavy last night talk. She couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t relax. Seeked the comfort of her baby. Turned out he did, too. 

She adjusts to a light and watches as her little girl lies in her dad’s protective arms, grinning at him and chatt. It stings her heart. Knowing she nearly took it away from her. Knowing she would if a stroke of luck didn’t step in. Yes, that’s how she sees it now. Stroke of luck.

She’s happy for her daughter having him in her life.

And frankly, she’s happy for herself, too. 

Seeing him hurt hurts her. Seeing him hurt by her is destroying her. Her guilt washes over her body the more he allows himself to look at her. The pain and betrayal written all over his face. Yet, it’s still better than not having him around. 

His vibe fills her life with a strange irreplaceable feeling of comfort and warmth. They might not be close anymore and might never be again, but she still feels the closest to anyone she did since she left him years back .

It’s him. 

It will always be him.

She grits her teeth when she moves. 20 years of skating certainly left it’s price on her body and her neck is not made for sleeping in the swings. She tries to get up as quietly as she can and smoothly leaves them to their private moment. 

She remembers those with her own dad. Her parents might divorce and she didn’t take it well, she’s been mad at her father, but it’s these moments of comfort in loving armful, the mornings when she sneaks in her parent’s bed, she’ll cherish forever. It’s these moments which led her to forgive him. There is not much comparable to a feeling of safety and comfort of a little girl in her dad’s large arms, especially surrounded by a warm feeling of the blankets after she woke up. Not even her mom’s.

“Tessa?” Scott's voice catches her almost by surprise. He’s body is obviously still so atune to hers that she couldn’t stay unnoticed if she wanted to. 

Tessa blushes as she turns after his voice. “Hi.” She says in a thin voice. 

“Are you spying on us?” His forehead creases above his left eyebrow as he scrunches it. 

“You spying?” Pat repeats with an excited happy grin.

“I’m _not_ spying on you.” Tessa defends herself. She only wanted to take in the warm closeness the room and people in it brought when she fell asleep. She did spy a little bit when she woke up, though. She couldn’t help it.

Pat sits up and reaches the arms for her. Tessa comes closer to the side of the bed and open her arms in expectation the girl’s gonna come, but she shakes her head and wraps her arms around Scott’s head. “I won’t leave daddy.” She giggles. 

The enormity of the statement fills the room. Tessa stills. Scott recovers first and kisses the girl’s belly as she pressed herself into him. “You’re my baby, you know that?” He says and cradles her cheek. 

Tessa’s body stiffen as she tries to smile. She’s painfully aware he can see her through. Pat reaches her arms up again, nodding her head as if to urge her to finaly move into her little arms. She finds Scott’s eyes and doesn't move until he gives her the tiniest nod. 

Pat lets go of him, better checks he’s right there as if he could disappear and scoops forward to wrap her arms around her mom’s neck. 

For the first time, Scott allows himself to take a direct look on the two women in front of him _together_. One direct look on the deepest desire of his heart, the one he ever wanted the most. The woman he unconditionally loved, fully consumed by a wonderful child who’s just the same part of her as she is his. He averts his eyes just the moment Pat half wriggles out of Tessa’s arms. “Daddy?!” She calls and opens her right arm for him to tuck in, while she holds Tessa with her left. She looks so innocently happy that he moves forward and wraps an arm around her, painfully aware of Tessa’s eyes in front of him, just inches away. “We’re here!” Pat cheers, grinning at both of her parents. 

“That we are.” Scott pecks her cheek.

She sighs happily and sinks down in content, wraps up with her parents. But then. She perks up again. “Christmas!” Her eyes grow wide.

“Oh.” Tessa coughs. Her whole body freezes. She looks at Scott. This sure can’t be happening.

“Tomorrow.” He lets out in a half decent manner. They can only pray it’s decent enough to fool a 3 year old.

“Tomorrow?” Pat roses up again. Looking from one of her parents to the other. It looks like she’s completely unbothered.

“Yes.” Tessa smoothes her hair out of her cute face. “It’s the first day of Christmas today, actually. We gotta have a nice meal and we also gotta prepare some cookies and milk for Santa and his reindeers to snack on when they bring us presents.”

“Apples for reindeers?” Pat makes a great point, looking at Tessa like she means to correct her for what it’s worth.

“If daddy has some.” Tessa laughs.

“Daddy has some.” Pat informs her. She purposely falls backward on Scott, then crawls away. When she’s on the verge of the bed, she stops and grins back at her parents. She lifts her finger. “You here.” 

“Okay, we’re here.” Tessa assures her when she’s already rummaging through her new closet. Before she finishes, Scott’s lying and silently laughing, his hands covering his face. “What?” She nudges his feet. 

Scott looks like he wants to say something but it only sends him further into the laughter. He laughs out loud now. Tessa’s not sure what tipped him over but it forces her laugh too. Pat comes to see what she’s missing out on but her parents laugh like two idiots she can’t make out why, so she leaves a doll at their feet and runs back examining the rest of her toys

“What?” Tessa ask again. 

“Do you think there is The worst parents of the year award? I think we just won.” 

Tessa snoores. _Snap. Correct._

“Just imagine.” He takes a moment to collect himself enough to speak. Knowing his imagination, Tessa barely holds it together up front. “The most decorated figure skaters in Olympic history. The owners of the unique figure skating Super Grand slam, and now the winners of the worst parents of the year award, Tessa Vi... “ He can’t even late it all out how much he’s laughing. There’s incoherent Moir in the end.

“Nice save, though.” Tessa lets out when she calms herself enough, her eyes filled with tears from the effort. 

“Luck.” He rubs his palms through his face once more is it for relief and sits up. “I better go make us some breakfast.” 

“I meant it when I said I’m cooking today.” Tessa places her palm on his forearms and withdraws it immediately when she realizes her move. 

“After breakfast it’s all yours.” He says. “Gotta make sure we’re not starved ...ya know .. in case...” He leans closer and lower his voice so Pat can’t hear in case her sneaky ears are nearby as he’s getting up. Tessa shakes her head. A slight blush creeps her cheeks involuntarily. 

* * *

“What are you doing here?!” Tessa reprimands Scott who conveniently sneaked into the kitchen just when she left it for the pantry. 

“Making sure it’s not burning.” He smirks. “For you. Since you were not here.” 

“Such chivalrous of you.” He would always spy on food before it’s done. Some things apparently didn’t change. “I am back now, you can leave again.” She raises an eyebrow. 

“I better check.” He stirs what seems like beans with some bacon in the pan. “Do you know Virch, that this thing’s gonna be either cold or burned by the time you manage to finish the rest?” 

“Can you leave m-”

“You mean, _my_ kitchen?” He smirks. He might has a point. And her time management might use some work, but that doesn’t mean she let him have it. Even now… 

“Pat” Tessa calls. “Can you get your daddy’s butt out of the kitchen?”

The girl comes giggling at her words. “Pats, wanna check on what’s mommy cooking?” He lifts her up on his hip the exact moment she grins in approval. 

Tessa sights. “Luna, can you take them for a walk?” To her surprise, the dog indeed finds her way into the kitchen area. 

Scottt looks down as if he could sens her. “Walk, Luna?” He asks. 

She changes his manners immediately at the words, her tail start wriggling excitedly. “Why is she not listening to me like this?” Tessa frowns. 

“She came when you called her.” Scott sets Pat down and gives her a look. 

“But she looks like I’m bothering her most of the time.” She complains. 

“She's a dog, Tessa.” Scott chuckles. “They are not that expressive.” Albeit she is not that keen of Tessa. He’s aware of that.

“I swear.”

Scott instructs the girl intently listening to them by their feet to get dressed for a walk, picks the dog up and turns back to Tessa. “She’s very sensitive dog and she’s protective of me.” He shrugs. What he meant to say, and what would be correct, was that she doesn’t like people who are mean to him or hurt him, but he knows better than that. 

“Look mommy.” Pat burts into the kitchen all dressed up like a little model. “Like teddy.” She smoots the sleeve of her new coat Scott got her. “Like yours.” She grins.

“That’s right.” Tessa kneels down on her eye level to give her a squeeze. “That's a very beautiful coat, isn’t it?”

Pat twirls on her heels in front of her. “I match.” She tugs at her large light brown pullover and a bit darker knitted leggings.

“You did such a great job.” Tessa praises her. Her 3 year old might have a better sense of style than many adults and she’s so very proud of that. Scott also did an incredible job picking her clothes. Everything high quality, nice materials and elegant as if she was a little adult, yet still cute. Just like she likes. Her friend in Germany would pass her some clothes her own daughter outgrew and Tessa would thank dearly, but push it deep into the closet and never take it out. She would never put her precious baby into something she wouldn’t like, and so she is able to spend the same amount of money on her baby girl’s clothes as she is on her own. It might sound silly or superficial, but that’s who she is. If she can wear fine fabrics, her baby can too. After all, it’s all she has. 

“It’s super chilly today, though. You might be a little cold.” Tessa cradles her cheek. She knew Scott should instruct her better, directly point to her snowsuit, but she won’t ruin either of theirs mood. “We should put something warm on these pretty legs.”

Pat shakes her head with a grin and push her leggins down her ass to reveal another pair of legging underneath. Tessa chuckles. Her baby is perfect. 

“You forgot the socks, though.” Scott jumps in with his own laugh. The girl’s left hand flies over her mouth and she runs back with giggles. 

“We won’t be out for long.” He adds gently when the girl disappear around the corner as if he could read Tessa’s mind. It’s exceptionally cold today and there are layers of fresh show. She would indeed see her better snug in warm snowsuit than in a pair of leggins, albeit dubbed, and a warm long coat. 

She just nods, because she doesn’t trust her words enough. It’s her baby, but it’s his too. She doesn’t like to leave her out of her sign, always has tons of instructions when ale allows someone to take her out, even her own mother, but this is his daughter too, and if she believes anyone would take care of her as good as she does, then it’s him. He doesn’t need nor deserve her pointers. 

“You don’t burn anything.” Pat appears back, hugging her legs, smiling adorably. 

Scott doesn't stop his chuckle in time and Tessa gives him a prone look. “That’s what I get for a few days with you.” 

Pat let go of her legs and stand tall in front of her with a frown. One hand over her chest the other pointing up at her. “Be fair!” 

Tessa is taken aback by her reaction but it looks so funny she has to refrain herself from laughing. Albeit she’s not sure what’s going on. “Not daddy.” Pat frowns even more.

“Daddy didn’t say that?”

“Your Jordan said.” Pat keeps pointing to her face. 

“Oh.” That’s quite a force. She’s surprised every so often what such a small child can understand. 

“Hug.” Pat crosses both of her arms over her chest. 

Tessa crouchs down to hug her but Pat clumsily jumps back. “Daddy hug.” 

“Oh.” She says again. She stays still and her girl actually pushes her forward to make her move. “I am supposed to hug daddy?” 

Pat nods. “Hug it good.” 

Tessa does as she is told before she can start thinking of it too much and actually checkin in with him, but surprisingly, or maybe not, he also realizes there is no possibly great way out and his hands finds her back as she slots her body against his. 

They are like two cold walls against one another… but just the same at those walls, no matter how cold they are, they create a home nonetheless. 

“Good.” Pat grins approvingly. She pushes them apart. “She sorry.” She hugs Scott’s legs instead. 

“I know she is.” Scott picks her up and gives her a kiss. “Mommy’s a great cook, even when we tease her.” He places another kiss on her temple. The girl melts into his chest and nods. 

When the elevator closes behind them, Tessa grips the counter and allows herself a moment for her emotions to take over. It’s so draining seeing the two together. So hard not imagining what she could have when it’s just there. Yet out of her reach. 

She spends a few tears, wipe them off and makes her mind to make them the best possible meal she could. Because they deserve it. 

* * *

“Jordan?” Tessa scrunches her forehead in confusion. She also can’t help but question the security of this kind of elevator. _Can everyone just enter your apartment like that?_ “How did you even get here?”

“Scott allowed me in.” She throws in without paying her much attention. 

“Scott’s not even here.”

“Oh. He had to call the reception then.” Jordan perches herself on the bar stool without much grace. Then, the pregnancy is going strong on her. 

“You’re like our guide or what?” Tessa can’t help but let it out. She loves her sister and she’s glad for her help, but at this point she feels like she’s better by herself. There are things left which no one else can repair anyway. 

Jordan throws her a disapproving look. “Anyway, It’s good he’s not here. I have a business with your here.” 

“Oh?” 

“I got a call from Alma.” 

“Oh…” Tessa turns the stove off in anticipation of hard talk.

“She is not pleased with you but for some reasons she thinks you’re the one who could push him back on track.” 

“Oh.”

“You forgot to speak or what?” Jordan grubles. She’s visibly tired and not all very patient. “Anyway, she figured Scott is missing his rehabs lately and it’s not making him any good. She also figured it’s your fault.”

It stabs right into her heart. “And what am I out of all people supposed to do? We’re so messed up together we forgot to put the presents under the tree.” 

“What?!” Jordan shieks in horror.

“We postponed Christmas by a day.” Tessa exhales. “So watch your words. Anyway, our relationship if we can even call it that is so fragile I don’t think I could possibly add a burden…” 

“Alma told me to tell you.” Jordan states. “So I did.” Tessa leans into the counter heavily. She can’t possibly imagine to let it go, but she can’t imagine how to broach it up either. _And if he is really missing it because of her, which she’s now sure he does, well ….._ “But to be honest, I don’t think you can make it worse. He won’t speak with anyone on that matter. Maybe Alma’s right. Maybe if you bring it up he won’t listen but he actually can think of it later on his own.”

“Or it sends us further apart.” 

Jordan digs her fingers into her spine and grimasses. Tessa assumes the baby kicks her again. “To be honest, sis … I don’t think that’s very possible. Besides, you guys have Patricia. Did you give him that custody agreement?”

Tessa nods. Half in her thoughts. 

“What did he say?”

“Not very much, but I think at the moment it was a right call.” She wouldn’t share the details of the conversation on the tears exchanged. 

It’s Jordan’s place to nod. She wasn’t in agreement with her sister, but she might have a point that after all, she knows that man enough. 

“By the way, Jordan, why didn’t you tell me the baby has his dad?”

“Because he didn’t have a dad.” Jordan sighs. 

“Scott knew.” 

“Because Scott was here, Tessa. Scott was here for me when I was deciding to leave the men I loved for a baby I might have and he was here when I considered the anonymous sperm donor and the man I was leaving. You were wrapped up in your own problems, Kevin was living his best life and I couldn’t break it, Casey just lost the baby and well, mom was pissed enough. He was the family I needed.”

No wonder they seem so close now. Tessa tells herself. “I am sorry.” She says.

“That's okay. I am sorry. It was my decision not to tell you and you didn’t deserve such outburst. I’m just tired.” She lets her head fall on her folded arms at the bar. “Scott told you his mother passed away, right?”

“Yeah, I am sorry.” 

“All she wanted lately was a grandchild. He didn’t get to tell her, which mostly was my fault.”

“He didn’t want to have a baby, Jordan. It’s not your fault.”

“Expect it is. We were in agreement, I changed my mind. He gave me more than I could possibly ask for. Then he changed his mind, too. And he was trying hard to change mine back, he even made a nursery in his apartment. With all this stuff from bathing equipment to breathing monitor. And I would even sleep with him but never tell him I am back, despite I knew I am. And now it’s too late.” 

“And he blames you?” 

“No, he blames himself. Which is even worse.” Jordan squeezes the bridge of her nose to prevent tears. “Just promise me Tessa, whatever you want to fix with Scott, be up front. He might not always be the most cooperative but he is doing his best to just keep you around. Because if you won’t do it … you won’t forgive yourself.” 

Tessa knows she speaks more of her own relationship than Scott and hers, but Jordan always needs to project her feelings to let them out. “Well, I never told him he has a baby.” Tessa approaches Jordan and bumps their shoulders together lightly with a smile. 

Jordan chuckles. “Our timing really sucks.” 

“Yeah.” Tessa gives in and laughs a little. She hugs her sister tight. 

* * *

“Jo.” Pat bursts into the apartment. Tessa’s surprised she doesn’t have shoes on when she appears in the kitchen. She had to kick it off in the elevator to be so fast. “You here.” 

“I am here.” Jordan, currently sipping a cup of tea on the sofa, opens her arm for her little fierce niece.

Pat tucks herself in, but barely or five second. “Luna.” She calls next. Luna finds his way toward the sofa shortly after and Scott pick the dog up for her. Pat embraces her like a plushie, arguably gently (gently enough) and signs in content. “I am a fairy.” She informs Jordan afterward. 

Jordan giggles. Let it to a child to raise your mood. “I’ve seen your room.”

“You saw?” Pat beams.

“Yep. Daddy did a good job.”

“Good job.” She repeats with a nod and reaches her arms up for Scott who just bought them glasses of water and some cookies for Jordan to snack on. He sits down and lets the girl snuggle into him together with his dog. “Snuggle blanket?” Pat asks when she’s settled.

“Oh, will you get us some?” Scott winks at her in conspiracy. It might not be a bad idea because indeed it was freezing outside. He points to the storage and Pat’s gone and back in no time. She spreads it over Scott, then climbs under it and frowns when it wrinkles. Scott laughs. He smoothes it and hugs her to his chest. 

“She’s gonna be asleep in no time.” Tessa states when she brings them some fruit to balance the sweets. 

“I won’t.” Pat protests but her eyes are heavy. Even her voice is filled with sleep. Tessa advised him to take her down for a nap some time before they teamed her up in the kitchen, but she couldn’t possibly win the argument when Alma says _“you don’t have to nap when Christmas.”_

Tessa just give Scott a look saying otherwise, but if she would bet, he looks like a nap, too. 

Indeed, before she manages to prepare everything there is to prep to whip out their dinner quickly and in time later, just mean time the steaks are done, they both are deep asleep.

“Seems like I am not great company today.” Jordan joins Tessa back in the kitchen just when she’s cleaning up. 

“You know, if you wanted to talk more, I have empty hands.” Tessa smiles at her sister. 

“I appreciate it, but I should go back.” Jordan smiles honestly back. “Thanks for the breather, though.”

“You could bring him, too. You know.” 

“Well, Scott didn’t want me to, and I think he was right.” 

That takes Tessa by surprise. She’d think he would do anything for her sister, especially now. “Oh.”

“You really speak worse than your daughter today.” Jordan chuckles. “You guys have enough on your plate to add another desperate man. Pat has enough of new people around and he’s in no shape to be a great company at the moment, anyway. Especially when it’s Christmas. You should make her happy memories. I actually remember Christmas when I was three.” Jordan smiles wistfully. “I got this huge red helmet because daddy wanted to teach me how to ski.

Tessa laughs. She doesn’t remember such early ones, but she knows the picture of the helmet Jordan refers to. 

“Thanks for listening to me, sis. I needed it.” She mostly came just to calm down and take a bit of a refreshing breath. She felt embarrassed to leave like that, but she felt even the baby getting impatient, and so she had to. It seems like Jonathan understands. She checked in with him every once in a while over text and sent him to sleep, and based on his lack of response, she thinks he did. “And think of what I said.” 

“I will.” Tessa kisses her cheek”

* * *

The rest of the day goes by quickly. Pat changes her outfit good three times, they sit down for a dinner Tessa nailed if she can tell herself, and watched the new Grinch movie together, and before they can blink, Pat is asleep and they are snackin of Santa’s snack.

Scott sets the pile of neatly wrapped presents on the floor, and places his hand on Tessa’s shoulder. “You don’t have to.” She lets out despite how much she wants and needs him to. 

“You can’t sleep in the swing like that.” He says gently.

“Well, the princess bed was full, seems like princes like it, too.” 

Scott smiles, despite she can’t see it. “Can I?” He touches a fabric of her loose shirt on her shoulders to check in with her that it’s ok if he slides his palm in. 

“You don’t have to do it.” She says with a nod. 

“Well, can you do it by yourself?” She can feel his raised eyebrow in his voice, without even seeing his face. 

She shakes the head.

“Then let me.” His voice is warm and so she leans her head to the right to give him better access.

“I’m gonna loosen it, but you would use a full back massage.” He comments. 

Tessa is too caught up in the feeling of his hands on her skin to pay any attention.”Um?” She asks when she realizes his voice went down.

“I said you should take better care of your back.” Scott repeats. 

Tessa takes a deep breath, breaches herself and uses the opportunity. There won’t be any better. “You should take care of yourself too, you know.”

His work on her neck changes. He’s gentl, professional, but she can feel the tension of his arms. He doesn’t speak. Pretty much ignores her. “You good.” He says eventually. 

Tessa twists her neck. relish in relief, tries it out and thanks him. “I meant it, Scott.” 

“No.” He cuts her off right away. He leaves for the kitchen, takes a glass from the upper cabinet and starts filling it with water. 

Tessa joins him there and tries to push further. If Alma thinks she may do something, she will as well try. “You can’t skip your rehabs. It’s not making you any good.” 

“And what do _you_ know about my health conditions, eh?” He snaps defensively. 

“Fair enough.” Tessa takes a long exhale. “But even Alma is worried, Scott.”

It takes him off guard. “She wouldn’t speak with you.”

“You’re right, she didn’t. She told Jordan who told me.”

Tessa uses the moment off his weakness and corners him even more when she speaks next. He might hate her but if she learnt something, then when he is extremely stubborn you have to push him over the edge to make him move. “Do it for Pat. She needs dad.”

“As if you wanted her to have one in the first place.” _When you wound an animal, it bites._

“You’re not being fair.” 

“Am I? The last time I checked, we wouldn’t have met wasn’t it for the accident.” 

“Scott.” 

“What?” He snaps sharply. “Isn’t it true? Or did you want her to have someone else as a father?”

“I won’t listen to this.” She fires back. He’s not out of right to think that, even when he was rational, but it was never true. Never even close to the case. Even in her head. In her mind, there was always only one man in her daughter's life. And if he wasn’t, neither was in hers.

“Good. I don’t want to listen to you either.” He sets the glass down on the counter with a thud and leaves.

_*Tell Alma I tried.*_ Tessa texts Jordan before she steps into the shower. She stays there for long moments, letting that warm water take the burden of her actions away. It’s when she finally steps out and into the fuzzy, conforming pajamas, when she hears a soft thud on the doors of her room.

“Come in.” She calls with a wave to her voice. 

“I’m sorry.” He leans into the doorframe. Despite being just out of shower as well, it’s so obvious he had to cry. 

“You don’t have a reason to be sorry for.” Tessa smiles. It hurts her, but it’s not all that much his fault. When she pussed, she knew he’s gonna snap. And he gave him great guns. 

“I shouldn’t have spoken with you that way.” 

“Yes, and no.” Tessa shrugs. 

“I just want to be with her.” It’s with a sob when he lets it out. 

“I know.” Tessa makes him sit on the bed. “And I am sorry that I didn’t give you much of a choice otherwise.” She squeezes his knee. “But you gotta be strong and tell me from now on.”

“I fuking hate it.” 

Tessa smiles for herself. That’s it for the defensiveness. “I know.” She sighs. “It’s not fair. But if you keep skipping it, it’s only gotta hurt you again.”

“My physio is on holidays.” 

“I’m sure you have some work you can do by yourself.” He sheaks the head so she speaks again. “Or you know, I’m sure you can ask Nicole.” Her sister in law is not really a pro in that aspect, but educated close enough and work in rehab center for years. 

“No.”

Even from that one word she can tell there is no way she can win him over. She’s not sure why, but Jordan was correct stating he won’t accept anyone. “You can explain to _me_ what needs to be done, then.”

It surprises her when he checks her out. “There’s no time.” He argues but doesn’t sound too defensive.

“We can actually put Patricia down for her nap she _should_ take.” Tessa is aware not every child at her age naps every time, but their daughter needs it in order to enjoy her afternoon.

“You don’t have to nap when it’s Christmas.” He smirks. 

“Don’t be difficult.” She raises an eyebrow. 

“You won’t like it.” 

“I can manage.” 

_At the time, she was far from aware of the pain she’s gonna cause and the cold shower she’d have to take in order to wash away that cold realization and his burden from her heart. Yet, she will gladly do it again._

* * *

Tessa wakes exceptionally early the next day, making sure everything it’s perfect when the two get up. 

Scott took Pat out of her bed and into his the other night, in order to assure she won’t tear the papers from the presents without their knowledge.

The lights on the tree are bright and the sun is still barely up, when their wide eyed daughter burst into the room with her dad in tow. Her yesterday’s calmness was met with today’s excitement. There’s nothing better than watching your child sinks on her knees under the tree. Nearly tossing the boxes around. She examines the first two toys and then tears the paper down from the rest.

“It’s Tessa.” Patt calls with excitement equal to her own presents. They used three letters P A T on her gifts Letters she can tell .

“It’s Scott.” Tessa laughs. 

“It’s Scott?” She asks with wonder mixed with amusement. 

“Yep. See. Tessa has T in front.” Tessa points to the last letter in her daughter's name. “Scott has T in it’s end.”

“It’s Scott.” Pat cheers and perches herself on her dad together with the box. 

“Oh, is it?” Scott makes a faux shocked face. “Will you help me unwrap it?”

Patt nods eagerly. Just as much glad to be handy as she is thrilled to see what's inside. “It’s me.” She squeals as she reveals a picture of her and Scott from the cottage. Tessa snaps the moment of them grinning at each other as they talk. Likely the matter of the unicorns again. 

“I thought you maybe didn’t have time to print one for your night stand yet.” Tessa pipes in quietly. 

Scott gives her a nod and silent, tiny smile, and when he wrapes the girl into his arms, squeezes her tight and places a kiss on her cheek, Tessa thinks that maybe ...just a little bit … he’s hugging her too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> I know this chapter took much longer than it should or I wished for, therefore I just wanna say thank to all of you who left random kudos meanwhile! It really helped me in times I didn't have a spare moment to write. I wanna profusely thank to all of you who are still here. I can't say enough how much it means to me. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, despite I think it might not be what you expected in the least. Also I kinda like to keep Jordan around and improtant all the time? Haha. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts.💕


	8. Tessa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I owe this story a quick follow up!
> 
> Enjoy 💕

“Good Morning.” Scott speaks quietly so as to not disturb her sleep, despite she’s walking and definitely not looking near as peaceful. He holds out a large cup of coffee he means to soften her with and truly, make her functional.

She snatches it without looking at him or at anything, really. Scott shakes his head, he never figured how she always managed to get herself safely and reasonably in time to their early morning practices and other appointments in such a state.

“Just so you know.” Tessa hums as the liquid pleasantly fills her insides with warmth. It takes a solid minute before she completes her thoughts. “I owe you, but you just chose your early morning for at least a year.”

Scott chuckles. “One early morning in a year. You really like me, Virch.”

Tessa frowns. Was it another time, the past, he would wrap her into his arms and kiss her temple, rock her side to side, until she smiles, now she has to go with a nudge of his elbow. There’s a woman walking the dog strangle looking at them, and without being aware much of the surroundings, she can sense him uncomfortable and nods toward the door. 

She was surprised when he texted her yesterday night. It was after he gave goodbye to Pat, and they were well settled on the upcoming plans. Tessa was meant to bring the girl over next afternoon, and leave her with him for the time she visits her friend. She didn’t say the friend is in Germany, but she didn’t have to. 

Just as much she didn’t expect his message, she didn’t expect its matter. 

“Did you learn the steps?” 

“Equally to the time.” Tessa grumbles. “Will you tell me why I am here?” She’s painfully aware of an inadequacy of her tone to the question, but hopes he’s gonna get her some benefit of the morning.

“I told you.” He answers without looking at her, keeping even his hands busy, rummaging through his bag. He really didn’t tell her much. The only reason she came was the knowledge he really had to be desperate to reach out. Therefore she didn’t even push. 

Tessa sets the coffee down and finds her way by his side. “I figured the skaters are supposed to be here at 6:30?”

Scott nods, again, not looking at her. Trutfully, more nervous than before.Tessa checks the time again and winces. It’s a little over 20 minutes. “Come here.”

“Mhm?” He lifts his eyes up to meet hers before he sets them back on his bag and notes he’s definitely not reading. 

Tessa sits down and Pat the place by her side. “Sit down.” She meant to reach for his hands at first, but decided otherwise.

“You needed help, that’s why I am here. Correct?” It might be easier to set it how it is based on what she knows than trying to dig in and make him say it. 

Scott nods, toying with the rubber on his notepad. Tess takes it out of his hands and sets it two feet away with a gentle smirk. “With what I am supposed to help? Dance?”

He says the word she can’t correctly make out, so she had to ask again. “Trust.” He mutters quietly.

A chuckle catches in her throat. What else could it possibly be. “Trust.” She repeats. _This is going to be fun._

“I know it’s not ideal.” Scott shrugs.

Tessa declines to go on on the matter. They both don’t have time and have a reason to be here. Albeit he likely just now realizes its true weight. “Well, you sure had a reason why you reached out to me out of all people.” 

“Because there’s no one else?” His voice raises an octave. She’s not sure whether she’s supposed to be offended or flattered. 

“Scott.” She decides to say. “Just … jump right into it. We don’t have much time to start with.” She gives out a small laugh to let him know she’s joking. “Are we going to do these exercises as well?”

“Some, yes.” He looks at her quizzically, studies her face. She nearly blushes.

“Okay.” She nods. “God knows we need it, eh?” She tries it out. Scott lets out a long breath mixed with chuckle and she’s pretty proud of that.

“Get up.” Scott makes a quick surprising move she didn’t manage to follow. “We should warm up before they get here. Then we’re gonna demonstrate.”

Tessa smiles. It might be better to skip the talk and just dive in. “We’re gonna do the steps, once side by side then together, cool?”

“Cool.” She hopes her surprise isn’t readable in her voice. Of course she did expect they might touch each other since he requested her presence, but actually dance together? It’s prospect makes her body buzz with thrill. She hopes that’s not seen either.

As they dance, Tessa’s eyes are pressed on his figure in the mirror. She wonders how much he had to practice the moves and how much is given, given she wouldn’t say herself he has a physical handicap. Or, she would detect the tightness here or stiffness there but would write it down to the unstretched body of a retired athlete who pushed over the limit maybe too much for arguably too long. 

He’s great.

She’s a little too breathless when the first track stops and starts over, and a little too caught up in him, that he doesn’t even realize he’s handing her a bottle of water until he puts it into her hand. “So, um.” He scratches his neck. “Would you mind if I try to lift you first?”

“Oh.” Tessa chokes on the water. “You want to _lift_ me?”

“Well…” He starts avoiding her eyes. “No, of course not. That's okay.”

“Scott.” She stops his stammer. “Close your eyes.” 

“What?” He stops his track and looks up in mild panic. 

“We’re gonna do trust exercise.” She smiles but resolutely. She’s determined to not let him slip away. He made his mind inviting her over, and she can only imagine it wasn’t easy, now when she’s here she won’t let him bail.

He frowns, but closes the eyes when she instructs him again. “Good.” She speaks in a gentle voice. “Now you know a safe word.” It’s their names. They always used those. Nor colours or secret codes. They simply used their names when certain exercise was too intense, a session too uncomfortable or simply when they just needed a break. No question asked, no guilt taken.

She slowly approaches him, knowing he can sense her. “Lift your arms slightly.” She whispers. He waits for and for a beat she thinks he won’t, but eventually he raises it. Tessa reminds herself to be carefully on his right shoulder, as she sees the two are not completely even. She thinks he knows her intention, and so she lets him wrap his mind around the idea before she moves closer, her own arms raising up.

Every so slowly, she closes the gap and wraps him into a hug. “Breath.” She whispers. He wraps his arms around her back and she can’t help the smile spreading over her lips.

As they stay there, and breath, their hearts finding each other and slowing down it’s rhythm, seeking harmony, his grip on her tightens. Just as he’s squeezing her, she’s squeezing back. Not more, but not less. Just as much as he allows. 

When his head falls into the crook of her neck and his arms actually pull her closer, Tessa thinks she might cry. It’s only when she feels the wetness on her shoulder when she realizes he actually does. Just as she holds him with the same force, she cries too. 

It’s not obvious. Their cheeks are silently stained with tears, soaking a fabric belonging to the person they are for. 

It’s not the first time they hug, but the first time it’s with awareness. At least partial. 

“So, will you introduce me into the issue we are facing?” Tessa says still against his shoulder.

“They keep bailing the lifts.” He murmurs but doesn’t let go. If he doesn't, then she won’t either. 

“And I understand it’s more of a trust issue than a technical issue?” She checks in whether she understands correctly.

“Yeah. They do great but then they go a little faster and either one or the other bail.”

“And it’s a new lift or?”

“Any, basically.” As he exhales against her wet neck she shudders and he releases her with a laugh. She’s glad he’s laughing but disappointed with a loss. She doubts he’ll let her hug him in such a way anytime soon. “I want them to do some trust exercises.” Scott walks back toward his back and takes out his iPad. “Then there is that step sequence I specifically pointed out. It’s lacking everything. I mean, they skate well technically but their bodies are not working together and the same does their expression.”

“If they were 15, maybe even 17 I would say yes, but for 20yolds it’s not impressive, yeah.”

Scott looks at her with a visibly surprised expression and it hurts her, because she realizes he didn’t expect her to know anything more about his teams than maybe their names. “Right? They are the same age we were in Vancouver.” Scott sighs. Their only luck is they were born after 1st July, because otherwise at the age of 20 and 22 they wouldn't be able to compete at juniors. “I didn’t want to take them at first because I only wanted juniors I can work with but the heads of Skate Canada were pushing it and when I set up the interview, you could see it in their eyes how much they want to make it work, how much they wanted someone to give them a chance. That convinced me … but Tessa if this won’t work ...I tried everything.”

It indeed feels like he tried everything, given she is here. “We’re gonna make it work then.” She places a hand on his shoulder and waits for his reaction before she gives it a squeeze. “Where is the biggest issue?”

Scott positiones her in front of him, one hand on her while explaining and pointing with the other when he thinks the dealbreaker is. He pushes her up a few times just over that point, not really lifting her all the way up and into the position, and she wonders of the extent he is allowed to lift her. He must sense it, because he stops his pointers about the step sequence. “Are you afraid I’m gonna let you fall?”

“No.” Tessa is quick to say. “No. Never.” Scott nods cautiously. “But because I know you would never let me fall, I am a bit afraid you might hurt yourself.” She smiles with a little smirk to let him know she’s 100% genuine. He would always break his own leg twice just to save her from her own clumsy feet.

“It’s not like we’re gonna do level four rotational lifts, Virch.” Scott pats her arm to move her to the side so he can walk forward. “I can assure you you’re not ready for that either.” 

“What?” She scoffs half offended half laughing. 

“Your core.” Scott smirks. “Nowhere near its prime.” 

“Hey” She swats him. “I had a baby.” 

“Do you have an infant hidden, too?” His smirks deepened. “Because the baby I know about is 3 and half years old.” 

“Yeah, okay. Fair enough.” Tessa laughs and Pat her belly. She’s not in bad shape, but a better core would help even with some yoga poses, she supposes he’s right. 

“It’d still do with a piercing, tho.” He throws it in in a descending tone as he’s not quite sure he’s saying it. 

Tessa blushes for two reasons: 1) because he might really think it, and 2) because he noticed it’s missing.

“I bought a car seat.” Scott changes the subject smoothly for both of their sakes. They used to tease each other like that all the time way before either of them even found real liking in the other, but in their renewed relationship it's a welcomed yet still fragile part.

“Oh, which one did you get?” Tessa makes a grabby hand from her position on the floor, stretching out her hips. 

Scott stretches out to grab his phone.”It has this bottle holder you advised for.” He strolls to find a picture. “I have to pick it out later today, I wanted it in black color to go with an interior” He blushes at that a little and Tessa has to hide her laugh. “Do you think she’s gonna like it?”

“It looks really nice and comfortable.” Tessa smiles. “And maybe a bit more expensive than strictly necessary?” She lifts the eyebrow, but gently. She just sometimes fears that out of the place he was put into, he’s gonna spend an unreasonable amount of money without its need just to make up for anything.

“I said I want the best and safest one.” Scott snatches the phone out of her hand and locks it again. She winces. She made a great point but in a worse possible place. His phone then lights up with a call. “That’s Abigail. I should go get them.”

Tessa nods. It’s likely for the best. They likely reached the limit of time they might spend together alone to keep it uplifting, anyway. So far it was more than positive, and she better keeps it that way than risk a downgrade again.

“You did a great job, Scott.” Tessa reaches for his forearm before he manages to move too far. “And you’re an amazing dad to her.”

“You’re a wonderful mom.” Scott smiles back, but declines to turn sappy or sentimental. “And your mean core is still better than Abi’s.” He winks.

* * *

Scott shakes his hand with a chuckle as he watches his skaters visibly enough for a bling letting go of each other’s hand. They’ve not been dating when he started coaching them but he knows for a solid while. He's even seen them kiss, since they are not exactly masters of sneaking. 

“You’re late.” He greets them.

“Tell me about that” The girl snarls. She’s maybe even more punctual than Scott and Tessa and he knows her partner is driving her crazy. 

“I had my alarm on.” The boy lifts his arms up. “You know I did.” He looks at his partner/girlfriend apologetically. “You set it by yourself last night.”

Abigail turned beet red so Scot decides to save her. “Yeah, yeah.” He laughs. “We have a guest today.” He makes a pause to raise an eyebrow at them. “So don’t bicker all the time, yeah?”

“These new skaters from Poland you consider to coach next season?” Oliver asks. 

“No.” Scott answers. “These are coming after Junior Words, but you’re gonna keep your manners under control then, too.”

“I don’t think they’re gonna fit into our group.” Oliver earns a nudge for his always present honesty from his partner. “What? They're just so shy.”

“They are 4 years younger than you, from not exactly a figure skating country and they don’t have the best English.” Scott lists the facts. “So you’re gonna welcome them with open arms, am I right, Oliver?”

“We will.” Abigail jumps in. “Who are we meeting with today if not them? … Wait!” She squeals as she can see through the small window into the studio. “Is that Tessa?!”

Scott peaks through the window in the door too. She looks effortless even stretching her legs. “Yes, that’s Tessa.” He shakes his head albeit he’s not surprised seeing them so out of themself. She’s been out of radar for so long no one could possibly expect her to be back. “Tessa is here to help us with some exercises and your lifts. As _my_ partner.” He turns serious and they immediately let go of the window and listen. “She’s doing us a big favor, waking up early includes.” He lets them giggle. “So you’ll do your best at today’s practice and you’ll respect her privacy and keep her visit to yourself, could you?”

“We’ll see you do the lits?” Oliver asks at the same time his partner says “Do you think she can sign my skates?”

Scott shakes his head again as he listens to the boy schooling Abigail the merits of someone’s privacy. That’s already when they are entering a studio room. “If you keep shaking your head so much you’re gonna build a migraine.” Tessa comments to the two young skaters delight. She likely made her entry easier as well.

* * *

“Listen, guys.” Scott rubs his hands over his face. “This is not going anywhere.” He sighs. They already showed the steps so much time he’s reaching his current limits and they didn’t even reach the lifts. 

“You guys are sleeping together, am I wrong?” Tessa places a hand on his back and jumps in with a blatant question. Abigail and Oliver turn the deepest red Scott’s ever seen. He feels almost sorry, also the only reason why he didn’t chuckle are their mortified eyes on him.

“I know you two are dating.” Scott laughs. “It’s alright. As long as it doesn’t affect your skating negatively, do whatever you want.”

“That’s right.” Tessa jumps in again. “ _Negatively._ You guys know how to touch each other, then why do you dance like strangers?”

“Um.” Abigail stumbles over her tongue.

“That step sequence needs to be a _fire_.” Scott enunciates. “The judges need to feel you there, not just see you there. So does the crowd. Try again and then we’re gonna move to the lifts.”

The lifts go surprisingly better than dance. They still have to do too much demonstration that after a particular hard one Tessa takes Scott to the side. “We’re done.” She decides for the announcement over question. 

“We are.” Scott nods with glassy eyes. 

Tessa decides to take his shoulders, instead of his face she’d like to, as a safer option, not caring of the two skaters in the room, who she knows likely can’t hear them but are checking on them despite working on the exercise they were given. “You are not letting anyone down, yeah?” She makes him look into her eyes. She’s not certain he wanna hear it, but if he’s at least as much of his old self as she thinks, then he might. His expression confirms it. “You’re not letting them down, nor you are letting down _me_.” She waits till he nods. “Can I hug you?”

He shakes the head no but she can tell his lips quivers up a little. If she tried he’d likely let her, but she won’t push him now when they seem the best they’ve been. “Good. I’m gonna save the hug for the next time then.” Tessa pats his chest. “Let’s ice your shoulder.”

“You brought an ice?” He pulls out that incredulous look she’s seeing at her daughter every so often.

“Yeah, I did.” She finds a thermo bag with the ice packs in her duffel. She unwraps it and very carefully places it over his shoulder. “Thanks, Virch.” He says with a prone look as he grabs a thing and holds it in place. He chuckles because she flushes. “Place the other one on your right shin.” 

She flushes more because of course he noticed. “We’re old.” 

“All right guys,” Scott calls on his skaters who look like they were caught stealing cookies from the jar. He’s damn sure they were watching them with eagle eyes and stealing little touches when supposedly out of sign. Then, maybe not the latter after Tessa so blatantly called them out. He chuckles for himself. “We’re barely holding together, which means now you have to double up your effort.”

Oliver nearly groans, leaning into his knees for a second before shaking it off and standing tall again. Scott can tell they are already worn out as well, so he just let them run a whole run through once and call it the end for now.

“Do you want me to take you to a station?” Scott offers Tessa after they finish. He was quite surprised when he learnt she came by a train. Her explanation of needing more of a relax makes sense, tho. He told her very last minute. 

“No, it’s a few stops by a bus which stops right here.” She points to a bus stop a few metres away from the building. “But thank you.” She squeezes his elbow. “I’m gonna bring Pat around 4pm, is that okay?” 

They were settled at 3pm but since this change of plans, she wants to enjoy her some more. 

“Are you gonna stay for dinner?” 

“What is o …. no.” Tessa starts and then stops herself. They’ve spent arguably enough time together today and she can’t keep forcing herself into his life through their daughter. “I have a plane to catch.” 

“10am tomorrow morning?” Scott lifts the eyebrow, sipping his own now cold coffee.“I accidentally saw you doing the booking earlier.” He explains. 

“Oh.” Tessa blushes. While she was aware he knows she’s going to Germany without her mentioning it, she didn’t expect him knowing the departure as well. She wanted to stay in a hotel to skip goodbyes and well, she can’t keep forcing herself into his life through their daughter as much as she might like to. 

“You can sneak in and sleep in the princess bed.” 

“Unless the princess leaves me for the prince.” Tessa chuckles sheepishly. 

“Well, I can’t guarantee that,” He smirks. “but she seems pretty smitten with that room, so you have a chance.” He winks. “And… “ He wiggles his eyebrow. “We can have breakfast for dinner.” 

“Now that’s unbeatable.” Tessa giggles. Maybe for the first time.

“Listen, I won’t try to persuade you, but the space is there in case you want it.” He gives her arm a squeeze.

“Thanks.” She smiles.

* * *

“I swear I didn’t want to.” Abigail lets out in a very stress out manner and leaves him standing there taken aback. 

“So I’ve heard Tessa is back.” Brian approaches him at the rink’s lobby. 

“She’s not .. back… but she’s back, yes. Or, she’s about to leave just now ...but yes, technically she is back. Not as if back back.” Scott grimaces. “I knew Abigail is gossip but she outdo herself today.” He chuckles. “That was fast.”

“To be fair, she was quite happy with the progress they made, she showed me a video and I heard her in the background.” Brian steps out for a girl. “But then she spilled the beans, yeah.” He laughs. “But she feels bad. She nearly made me sign the NDA.”

Scott chuckles, but it’s a cover. When he sent a text the night before he didn’t think passed the studio.”I suppose you don’t want to talk about it?” Brian asks.

“If I am gonna talk about it you’ll have to sign the NDA.”

“Well, what is better than a little secret from your wife, eh?” Brian chuckles, referring to Tracy.

“A little secret is quite accurate.” Scott puffs out a breath. He takes out his phone to find a picture of Pat. He smiles as he scrolls over a gallery of his little girl. Eventually he opens a picture of her with Luna and hands it to the other man.

“She has a child.” Brian states after a few too many beats of silence, yet maybe still surprisingly little.

“ _We_ have a child.” Scott said the obvious for him.

“That’s quite a bomb.” The man runs a hand over his face. “Do you need a drink? Cause I think I do.”

“I am past a drink stage.” Scott chuckles but follows the other man into his office.

“You know since early December, don’t you?” Brian puts one and one together. There is no need to pretend, he knows enough to know Scott didn’t have a child a while ago and she wasn’t a part of his life. Not a present one, anyway.

“Yeah.” Scott confirms the obvious. “She’s pretty amazing, though. I’m having her the next week since Tessa’s leaving the town.” He decides to make it simpler than elaborate how she truly feels about her final destination. “I might have to move my schedule around a bit and use Mike more.” 

“She’s beautiful.” Brian has not taken the phone with a picture out of his hand yet.

“That she is.” Scott smiles and takes it from him.

“And Tessa?”

“Well, Tessa is still Tessa. A little older but still her.” Scott answers numbly without meaning to, like his brain catch up on an easy straw.

“And otherwise?” Brian shakes the head.

“Well, today is likely the first day we didn’t end up in each other’s back.” Scott takes a deep breath. “At least not yet.”

 _Not yet._ That’s it. He feels bad for half expecting it to happen, but that’s what seems to be always there. He’s trying but no matter how hard, there seems to be something backfiring on them again. Like it’s not meant to be. Like their chance passed and they were fortunate enough to get a wonderful girl to share out of it. 

Today’s been particularly good, better than he’s been expecting, maybe even nice, and so naturally, he fears the consequences. 

Yes, the consequences. 

Like when he let her in she only gonna hurt him again. Like she’s slowly taking what he built away.

Then he feels bad once more. Because when she’s here, he doesn’t feel like she’s trying to hurt him, or like she is coming with wrong intentions. She feels just as much broken. 

* * *

Sitting with his girl sleeping in his arms on the sofa in his apartment, looking out at the lights of night Toronto, Scott sighs. Tears pricking his eyes. “She seems so small sleeping like this.” He addresses Tessa coming with mugs of chamomile tea. 

“She does.” Tessa agrees. “And then she won’t shut her mouth close for a second.” 

Scott chuckles lovingly, lowers his head and nuzzles her for a while, taking in her scent. “You laugh.” Tessa comments. “But you wait till you’re at the toilet and she keeps baging at the door and demanding to answer her pricking questions.” 

“I don’t believe she’s doing that.” Scott lets out an amused chuckle and kisses her little head.

“It’s the last few days but it’s a nightmare.” Tessa cheeks out to stroher their girl’s hair. 

“You know...” Scott looks up at her, then away, and on her again. “If you wanted to take her with you, I wouldn’t let you.”

“I understand.” Tessa looks through the glass wall into the distance. Observing the calmness of the buzzing world.

“Why do you want to come back?”

“Oh.” The question surprises her, albeit it should not. Or, more like she expected he won’t dare to ask. “I don’t want to come back.” She tries to seek his eyes but he’s looking, she suspects purposely, on their daughter. “My friend is getting married. I think I owe her as much.”

“Winter weddings are not very common.” Scott observes, mostly because he’s not sure what to say.

“I think it got to do something with how they met. She took her little brother to a biathlon competition and he was volunteering there.” She explains and then feels bad, because she never was a particularly great friend either. Her head might was in Germany but her heart never left Canada.

“I’ve never been away from her for a night.” Her voice breaks in the middle.

“We’re gonna be alright.” Scott squeezes her knee immediately, albeit he looks surprise.

“I know that.” She does. She wouldn’t leave her for that long with anyone else. “You’re gonna send me photos whenever she sleeps?”

Scott chuckles. “Do you want to control me whether I am putting her down for a nap?”

“No.” Tessa lets out a giggle. “Maybe?” She jokes.

“I’m gonna send you a collection of pictures whenever she sleeps.” Scott promises with a shake of his head

“Good.” She lets out haf laughing with a sob. 

“Should I get her to her bed?” He asks. 

“Pass her on me.” Tessa opens her arms. It would be better to put her into bed but is she a bad mother for wanting some cuddles before she leaves?

Scott carefully places the girl into her lap and kisses her head gently. Then takes the mug with his tea. “I’m gonna leave you to it.” He smiles. 

At first, she wanna jump in and assure him to stay, but before she does, she gets the message. She has to make peace with leaving her baby alone, so she nods. 

“Thanks for today.” He squeezes her shoulder as he’s leaving. “I think you might actually help.”

“It felt great.” Tessa smiles. “Like flying again.” She’s not joking. If was liberating, letting go of everything and moving with the music, letting their bodies do the job they were created for. Like nothing, not problems, not differences, nor time exist. 

“If you consider this flying then we’re really old.” Scott laughs. He’s shaking the head as he’s leaving, but she knows, deep down, that he liked it too.

* * *

Falling asleep, she wipes at her eyes. “Look after daddy for me.” She whispers to their sleeping baby girl and seals it with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being here! Hope you all are safe and well. 
> 
> I'm dying to know your thoughts about this chapter!!! Would love to chat with you in the comments. ❤
> 
> PS: Don’t worry, there will be a plenty of Pat in the next chapter!!! 😀


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